Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Customer Disservice Fantasy Call #2

Me: Barney-Fife-Custard-Nervous-spank-you-floor-gloating-this-is-painful-may-I-tease-off-your-heresy-fumbler?

Caller: Hi. This is Edward Something. I'm calling about my mother's policy.

Me: Of course, sir. How can I help... Wait - you understood my greeting?

Caller: What greeting?

Me: When I said, "Barney-Fife-Custard-Nervous-spank-you-floor-gloating-this-is-painful-may-I-tease-off-your-heresy-fumbler?" That greeting. You understood all that?

Caller: Well, I thought I did, but now that you mention it...

Me: You must have mis-heard me, sir. Perhaps it's a bad connection on your end. I am required to greet each caller thusly: [clears throat] Bummer Life Customer Service, thank you for holding. This is Gern - may I please have your policy number?


Me: Well?

Caller: It's my mother's policy.

Me: Super. Does it have a number?

Caller: Is this fun for you?

Me: Sir?

Caller: I want to talk to your supervisor.

Me: No problem, sir. My supervisor requires us to give him the policy number of any caller we transfer to him.

Caller: I don't care what he requires. Let me talk to him.

Me: One moment, sir... [Places the caller on hold, just as the digital loop of hold muzak is starting the Yes masterpiece "Gates Of Delirium." Twelve minutes and fifty seconds later, just as Steve Howe is launching into the soaring third movement...] I'm transferring you now--


Me: Of course. [Returns the caller to hold, waits an additional nine minutes, one second...] Sir?

Caller: Wow! That is the best Asia song I've ever heard!

Me: WHAT???

Caller: It was just amazing. I mean, so many changes, so many moods and movements in one song. And the guitar! Oh! It's like poetry and war and an intricately choreographed car chase filmed by Stephen Speilberg - all rolled into one diamond-studded package. The Asia of the 80s was good, and I have nothing bad to say about Trevor Rabin's guitar, but there's just no comparison to Howe and Wakeman and the psychedelic transcendental art-rock majesty of albums like "Relayer." You know?

Me: Did you say "Asia," sir?

Caller: Yeah. That was Asia on the hold muzak, just now.


Caller: Hello?

Me: Asia, sir?

Caller: Yes. Asia. What is your name? When am I going to get to talk to your supervisor?

Me: It should only be a moment now, sir. He's listening to "2112," by Triumph.

Caller: I don't understand.

Me: [click]

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