So. I owe my friend Godfrey O. Ozzenbarq III (not his real name) an email (yes, we still use email. sue us), and I haven't produced a blog post in almost two months. I'm nothing if not efficient (that's a lie; I'm not efficient - at all), so I thought I'd combine these two tasks and save myself like five minutes...
From: Your friend Joe, via Mostly Harmless Drivel
To: Godfrey O. Ozzenbarq III (not your real name)
Date: Saturday, February 20, 2021, 8:49 PM EST
Your list of categories of people who are ahead of you in the long and winding COVID vaccine queue was almost as amusing as it was depressing. I mean, you're behind blue-eyed Arabs, and it's not even close! Jinkies! That's bad. Carnival barkers and retro duckpin bowlers and Waffle House assistant managers in training - and ALL of the Roberts and Svens?? That list was daunting. I feared that your estimated vaccine appointment date would land several years beyond your expected life span.
But dig THIS!
I was checking out the 71 vaccine information websites for Maryland (2 of them were NOT 100% fraudulent!), and it turns out that you are in better shape than we thought. Yes, you're still behind appendicitis victims (2000-2012), Calvinists, Blockbuster Video clerks, self-parkers, all motor car operators since 1899 and everyone who has a "proper name," but there has been some kind of reassessment of prioritization. I'm happy to report that, because somebody sued the state of Maryland (probably that dimwit asshat Robin Ficker), you have officially moved ahead of:
- Police officers above the rank of recruit
- All other first responders
- The elderly
- Model train store operators, but only "O" and "027" and larger scales
- Movie theater lobby carpet sanitizers
- Ultra-high-speed poultry slaughter line monitors and their victims
- People who still haven't tried the Popeyes chicken sandwich because they know damn well it's far superior to KFC's, and makes Chic-fi-la's (learn to spell, you assholes - and learn to make food) seem like a slurry of human thumbs, breaded in deer hair and deep-fried in cellulite. That's not really fair, that bit about Chic-fi-la, because that is precisely how they make their "chicken" sandwiches (although because I am a gentleman, I left out the step with the unhealthy person urine).
- Barbara Bach. Is she alive? If she's alive, you're ahead of her. If not, then sorry but you gotta get behind her.
- All "regular" bar patrons at Applebee's
- Okay, you were already ahead of me, on account of your advanced age, but I thought a reminder might make you feel better.
- Gen Z (it was determined that they are as unnecessary as they are invincible)
- Accountants (they are the WORST)
- Veterans of Up With People
- While we're at it - the Starland Vocal Band
- Other duties as assigned
So, yeah. Not so bad, right? Now, with our respective vaccination dates so fast approaching, let's get back to our normal routine of bitching about literally everything and inventing complex, vulgar, horrifically-insulting nicknames and descriptors for politicians and Kardashians.
Yours in doom,
P.S. How's it going?