Grading The Rebooted Resolutions Machine

"You know what? Go ahead and jump." photo by Joe

Friends! Remember a little over a year ago, when I attempted to Reboot the ol' Resolutions Machine? Yeah, neither did I until a few minutes ago, when I reread it. Feels like half a lifetime (and three-quarters of a democratic republic) ago, doth it not?

It doth, Joe. It SO doth.

Okay, as all four of you dear readers surely know by now, I just adore doing self-evaluations (I don't) - almost as much as I LOVE making New Year's resolutions (I don't. Why do you think it routinely takes me until many weeks past January 1st to make them?). Yeah. So let's make haste, and grade the results of last year's to-do list, and then jot down a few goals for the remaining 318 days of 2025. Shouldn't take long...

First, last year's list:

• Take the Christmas tree down (DONE!)
• Make mac & cheese (DONE!)
• Shovel snow twice (DONE - Oh, I remember, now. This is a bunch of stuff I had either already done when I made this list, or things that are so easy and routine as to not even remotely count as "resolutions." Pet a dog? Come on, man!)

So, I scored like 110% (which at many of our employers means MET EXPECTATIONS). Let's make things a bit more challenging for 2025, shall we? Shush - we shall, and it's not up for debate. Yes, even though I said "shall we," as if putting it up for debate. There will be no debating that we shall. You love it when I do this, as do I.

I resolve to:

• SURVIVE.
• Deposit 145 checks from my Beloved Donors within 24 hours at Beloved Employer (HA!! The year-end flood is only just now subsiding; I've already completed this resolution several times. Not sure what I was trying to pull off, there. Just showing off, I guess.)
• Remember to say "white rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits" upon waking up on the 1st of each month. I'm told that doing so will result in good luck for the entire month, and I'm all about superstitions, yeah?
• 'Spread awarene's's of approaching 's's, by way of overu'se of apo'strophe's.
• Use, fewer, commas,
• Get to the National Zoo to visit our new giant pandas. Given the new regime's onslaught of massive, cruel, ill-informed and blundering destruction, I'd better hurry.

Baby Tai Shan in early 2006. photo by Joe

• Memorize John Mulaney's "Horse Loose In A Hospital" routine, update it a little for 2025, and randomly recite it as my own, at work and with family and friends - almost none of whom will know it's stolen. (oh, I'm kind of excited about this one!)
• Purchase all of Kendrick Lamar's music catalogue. If fragile white male racists hate him, he must be good people.
• Get someone to spontaneously play THIS GAME with me.
• Not rest until the Potomac River is officially renamed the Max Headroom Crayfish And Minnows Express Waterway And Food Court, Sponsored By Nordstrom Rack.
• Be someone's lava lamp.
• Learn a dead language. Deader than Latin. Deader than Disco! Then, I'll hold lively conversations with myself on the Red Line, so no one wants to sit next to me (no one wants to sit next to me now, but a little insurance couldn't hurt
• Be doomed. (HAHAHAHAHA - done!)
• Two words.
• Seriously, something's gotta be done (attempted) to get one or two of my little novels to see the light of day. I keep telling them that the light of day is totally where it's at, but they are shy.
• SURVIVE.
• Atone for my race and gender. This might take a minute.
• See Simple Minds, Soft Cell, and Modern English in concert, preferably on the same night.
• Finally read all the "Harry Potter" books. Don't judge me!
• Watch cartoons.
• Repeat.

Let's stop there. You guys are TROOPERs, but we all know I'm not going to do half of that stuff, let alone any real resolutions like find my Ebn-Ozn t-shirt (ha), drink more water (as if), be more positive (barf), read more, write more, reach my target weight, blah blah blah...

But I can dream, can't I? Of course I can. It's basically all I do.

Rebooting The Resolutions Machine

Higher Resolution - Photo by Joe

I am frequently asked by no one why I don't make my NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS until late January (if I make them at all). I never answer, but if I ever do, I'll probably say it's because I've never made a New Years Resolution to make my New Years Resolutions earlier. I resolve not to make such a resolution anytime soon.

I know how boring New Years Resolutions can be - especially someone else's resolutions. With that in mind, let's hit ctrl-atl-del on the ol' drivel generator, and see if that helps...

[ctrl-alt-del]

For starters, no more of this:

• This year, I will publish one of my twelve little novels. BOOOOO... We'll believe that when we see it!
• I will finally locate my Ebn-Ozn t-shirt. BOOOOO... We know you've never had an Ebn-Ozn t-shirt - probably because it's a safe bet that such a shirt has never existed.
• I will be more positive. Oh, please don't.
• I'll drink more water, reach my target weight, write a blog post every week, read a dozen books, blah blah blah... We're bored!

I resolve to say this whenever I leave a room...

Okay, cheese bags. That was just a few examples of what I'm NOT going to do. Onward! I hereby resolve that in 2024 I will:

• Take the Christmas tree down
• Make mac & cheese
• Shovel snow twice
• Pet a dog
• Deposit 130 checks within 24 hours at work
• Get home from work at 8:30pm or later
• Increase my 401-K contribution
• Not eat any charging cables
• Use, fewer, commas,
• Be courteous, kind, and forgiving
• Be gentle and peaceful each day
• Be warm and human and grateful
• And have a good thing to say
• Have a martini
• Incorporate one verse of Steve Martin's "Grandmother Song" into a blog post
• Turn the oven on
• Shout words of advise and encouragement at [Maris] as she completes this year's tax returns - earlier than ever!
• Be doomed
• Watch cartoons
• Repeat

HA!! Guess what? All done! I have achieved a 100% success rate on the above rebooted resolutions. 

Damn, I'm good.

Stay fresh, cheese bags...

 

My Self-Assessment Of My 2022 "Resolutions!" It's SO Late! Hang On...

 

Hap-py New Year! Photo by Joe

By now, both of you dear, dear readers probably know that I'm not a huge fan of New Year's Resolutions, but I actually made a few of them back in 2022, and I totally forgot to revisit them and see how successful I was in achieving them. This shouldn't take long, and I can't help but think that it will go a long way toward preventing me from publicizing (or even making, for that matter) resolutions, ever again. Then again, there's a reason I don't have a reputation as a lesson-learner.

So. Let's see how I did...

First one's easy, because it's measurable! Employers love it when you come up with goals that are measurable, and we should, too. I resolved that I would produce 52 blog posts in 2022. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I did FOUR!! A record low. I knew I wouldn't get 52, but daaaaaaaaamn...

I said I would finally take some action on my poor neglected 2013 novel - or at least find a beta reader or two. *sigh* Maybe next year...

I vowed to beat my all-time high score on "Yar's Revenge." FAIL. Funnily enough, I actually have a working copy of that old game - on one of those multi-game throwback Atari consoles - but it's almost as neglected as that novel.

I resolved to finish writing back stories for all 700 of John Hodgman's HOBOES, but that's just crazy. Even counting the ones with 2-line stories in my three "88 Lines About 44 Hoboes" posts, and those who only made cameo appearances in other hoboes' tales, or in Rumpshaker Phil's Orchestra, I'm just over halfway done. Unless I counted wrong, just now. My eyes were glazing over as I scrolled through my highlighted list. Maybe someday, though...

"I will reach my target weight." Oh, that's just sad. Another one for 2024, perhaps. Or for never. Maybe if I plump up enough, I'll become jolly and people will like me.

I vowed to toast marshmallows over the fire that is our nation and world at large. Obviously, that was metaphorical, but I'm working on it. I can't do much about the end of our empire, or our species, but I can choose to live on in spite of it all. To walk on, like my hoboes. 

I did not take holophonor lessons, but in my defense, there is no such thing as a holophonor.

I resolved to find out in 2022 whether or not my friend Godfrey Ozzenbarq III (not his real name) was alive. SUCCESS! I found out, and he was, and still is!

I did not, however, use my 20% off Bed Bath & Beyond coupon, and now that store is no more. Gone into the Beyond, I assume. Oh well. It was going to be one of those purchases one makes only because one has a coupon, and I'm NOT falling into that trap again. Although I *DO* have a coupon thingy for Tommy Bahama...

I also resolved to go figure, and I'm proud to report that I totally did! Score another for Joe!

I resolved (resolutely, in fact) to NOT find out what "Wordle" is. Fail. It was bound to happen. I've still never touched it, though!

Finally, I foolishly resolved for the who-knows-how-manyth time to find my Ebn-Ozn t-shirt. I'm starting to think I never will. It's gone the way of my original Max Headroom cup.

Not the original, but it gets the job done - Photo by Joe

Will I make resolutions for 2024? Don't bet on it, but yeah, I probably will.

Night!

Resolutely Resolving To Do This And That

Feeling oh so cavalier, and it shows!

As evidenced by the fact that it's February 6th (happy Waitangi Day, New Zealand) and I haven't publicly shared a single New Year's resolution, I am feeling a bit cavalier about it, this time. Why? Dunno, exactly. I think it's partly because I've been struggling with a bout of the galloping lazies, lately. I like that phrasing, because galloping is inherently not lazy, and I'm nothing if not silly. Also - and this may come as a surprise to you (it sure shocked me to no end) - some people don't enjoy hearing about other people's New Year's resolutions. Apparently, it can induce the same bored response one experiences when someone tries to tell you about this dream they had. Hence, my tendency to either RESOLVE NOTHING, or to give you UNABASHEDLY GOOFY NONSENSE.

So. What will it be, this year? Let's keep typing and see...

• Here's a normal-sounding one that to me is utterly hilarious, to get the ball rolling: I WILL WRITE 52 BLOG POSTS IN 2022. Hahahahaha! This is number two, and we're over five weeks in. Never say never, I suppose.
• I resolve to finally do something about getting my 2013 novel to see the light of day. I know some of you would really like it. Yes, this is a recurring resolution, and that makes me sad. I said last year I'd find an editor and/or agent and give it a shot, blah blah blah. At this point, I'll settle for a beta reader or two...
• I will beat my all-time high score on "Yar's Revenge." Pretty sure I have that written down somewhere.
• I will finish writing back stories for all 700 of John Hodgman's HOBOES (800, if you have the paperback edition). HAHAHAHAHAHA that's just ridiculous!
  
• I will get to my target weight. This one feels like a bit of a cheat, because I am a mere four pounds away - but I have been about four pounds away for well over a year. 
• As the world at large and America in particular has clearly demonstrated its intention to continue burning, I will toast marshmallows. I haven't looked for them at my busted-ass grocery store, though. They probably haven't had them in months.
• Two words: Holophonor lessons. Only a couple of people in the whole universe know how to play it - and they're not very good!
  



Play it, Fry!


• I resolve that in 2022, I will find out if my friend Godfrey Ozzenbarq III (not his real name) is still alive. I haven't heard from him in months, and I'm starting to fear the worst.
• I'm gonna use my 20% off Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon - hopefully on an item from Beyond. Do they have lava lamps. I'll have to check...
• They don't. Well, they have one kind of knock-off-looking one. That's okay - I'll find something. Maybe a doormat that says "GO AWAY!" I wonder if they have those. Hang on...
  
• They do! Several different designs, actually. Woo-hoo! Count it!
• I resolve to go figure.
• I resolutely resolve to NOT find out what the hell "Wordle" is. 

Seriously WTF is that? It's nonsense!

• I WILL FIND MY EBN-OZN T-SHIRT. This year, for sure... 

 

There. That all sounds pretty doable, right? What are some of your resolutions for 2022? No, no - don't actually *tell* me. Just, like, think about 'em, or something. And join me next time, when we might actually get back into to hobo weirdness.