My Self-Assessment Of My 2022 "Resolutions!" It's SO Late! Hang On...

 

Hap-py New Year! Photo by Joe

By now, both of you dear, dear readers probably know that I'm not a huge fan of New Year's Resolutions, but I actually made a few of them back in 2022, and I totally forgot to revisit them and see how successful I was in achieving them. This shouldn't take long, and I can't help but think that it will go a long way toward preventing me from publicizing (or even making, for that matter) resolutions, ever again. Then again, there's a reason I don't have a reputation as a lesson-learner.

So. Let's see how I did...

First one's easy, because it's measurable! Employers love it when you come up with goals that are measurable, and we should, too. I resolved that I would produce 52 blog posts in 2022. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I did FOUR!! A record low. I knew I wouldn't get 52, but daaaaaaaaamn...

I said I would finally take some action on my poor neglected 2013 novel - or at least find a beta reader or two. *sigh* Maybe next year...

I vowed to beat my all-time high score on "Yar's Revenge." FAIL. Funnily enough, I actually have a working copy of that old game - on one of those multi-game throwback Atari consoles - but it's almost as neglected as that novel.

I resolved to finish writing back stories for all 700 of John Hodgman's HOBOES, but that's just crazy. Even counting the ones with 2-line stories in my three "88 Lines About 44 Hoboes" posts, and those who only made cameo appearances in other hoboes' tales, or in Rumpshaker Phil's Orchestra, I'm just over halfway done. Unless I counted wrong, just now. My eyes were glazing over as I scrolled through my highlighted list. Maybe someday, though...

"I will reach my target weight." Oh, that's just sad. Another one for 2024, perhaps. Or for never. Maybe if I plump up enough, I'll become jolly and people will like me.

I vowed to toast marshmallows over the fire that is our nation and world at large. Obviously, that was metaphorical, but I'm working on it. I can't do much about the end of our empire, or our species, but I can choose to live on in spite of it all. To walk on, like my hoboes. 

I did not take holophonor lessons, but in my defense, there is no such thing as a holophonor.

I resolved to find out in 2022 whether or not my friend Godfrey Ozzenbarq III (not his real name) was alive. SUCCESS! I found out, and he was, and still is!

I did not, however, use my 20% off Bed Bath & Beyond coupon, and now that store is no more. Gone into the Beyond, I assume. Oh well. It was going to be one of those purchases one makes only because one has a coupon, and I'm NOT falling into that trap again. Although I *DO* have a coupon thingy for Tommy Bahama...

I also resolved to go figure, and I'm proud to report that I totally did! Score another for Joe!

I resolved (resolutely, in fact) to NOT find out what "Wordle" is. Fail. It was bound to happen. I've still never touched it, though!

Finally, I foolishly resolved for the who-knows-how-manyth time to find my Ebn-Ozn t-shirt. I'm starting to think I never will. It's gone the way of my original Max Headroom cup.

Not the original, but it gets the job done - Photo by Joe

Will I make resolutions for 2024? Don't bet on it, but yeah, I probably will.

Night!

NaBloPoMo: Are We Really Doing This?

November. It's pretty, but it spawns monsters. Photo by Joe & [Maris]

My dear, dear readers (I think there might be FOUR of you, now!) - It is November 1st. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking how impressed you are that I know what month it is. No, that's not it. Some of you might be thinking, "Ah, November - when a writer's fancy turns to thoughts of National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo." I can't blame you for thinking that, and you might also be tempted to think, after this summer's Camp NaNoWriMo project resulted in the spilling of over 80,000 words (and counting), that the bug has re-bitten me and I'll be noveling away at 1,800 words a day throughout this month.

WRONG!

Yes, my writer's pilot light has been relit to some extent in recent months (more on that in a future post), but no - this month, I shall attempt NaBloPoMo, or National Blog Posting Month. I've done this once before, and I thoroughly enjoyed it (that's a lie). It's simple enough - just a blog post a day for 30 days. Now I REALLY know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "WHY? Why would anyone attempt such a thing? What is the matter with you?"

Reasons... 

First, what's the matter with YOU? Ha!

Also, because why not? "Because you're not done with your 2023 novel, Joe. That's why not!" Yeah, well, that novel needs so much reworking that my brain does the blue screen of death when I try to think about it. Actually, it's more of a pill bug-style curling up into an impenetrable safety ball type of thing. 

How about because it's hard, and you know how I just adore a challenge. "No you don't! You hate challenges! Hello? You majored in business - and you only recently managed to lose the word 'clerk' from your job title after THIRTEEN YEARS." Huh... well... shut up!

Because I now have twelve first drafts of novels, and some of them might have futures, and that means edits and beta readers and rewrites and editors (are there still editors?) and finding (or creating) a path to publishing, and doesn't all that just sound exhausting? I'd literally rather write 30 blog posts in a month. And yes - I'd do another novel instead, but I have a self-imposed "No more novels until one of those 12 sees the light of day" rule. "That's a silly rule." Shoosh! Also I'm out of ideas.

Because those NaNoWriMo projects have made me entirely too wordy, and I need to relearn how to write compact prose. "No argument here..."

Finally, because it's such a delight to watch myself transform in 30 short days from this:

Look at that happy idiot. Photo by [Maris]

...to this:

Ay Caramba! Photo by Joe

Fun, non? Yeah, I know. I'll go ahead and call "BAD IDEA" right now. But who knows - maybe I'll drop something here that doesn't stink, this month. One note: I promise to only do a hobo story every third day or so. To you two readers who love the hobo stories, I'm sorry. To the other couple of readers, YOU'RE WELCOME!! And if you're still here, my dear [New Reader], I'll try not to be too wordy. I know you're really busy.

Okay. Ready? Are we really doing this? Yes, yes we are. 

Here. We. Go...

Resolutely Resolving To Do This And That

Feeling oh so cavalier, and it shows!

As evidenced by the fact that it's February 6th (happy Waitangi Day, New Zealand) and I haven't publicly shared a single New Year's resolution, I am feeling a bit cavalier about it, this time. Why? Dunno, exactly. I think it's partly because I've been struggling with a bout of the galloping lazies, lately. I like that phrasing, because galloping is inherently not lazy, and I'm nothing if not silly. Also - and this may come as a surprise to you (it sure shocked me to no end) - some people don't enjoy hearing about other people's New Year's resolutions. Apparently, it can induce the same bored response one experiences when someone tries to tell you about this dream they had. Hence, my tendency to either RESOLVE NOTHING, or to give you UNABASHEDLY GOOFY NONSENSE.

So. What will it be, this year? Let's keep typing and see...

• Here's a normal-sounding one that to me is utterly hilarious, to get the ball rolling: I WILL WRITE 52 BLOG POSTS IN 2022. Hahahahaha! This is number two, and we're over five weeks in. Never say never, I suppose.
• I resolve to finally do something about getting my 2013 novel to see the light of day. I know some of you would really like it. Yes, this is a recurring resolution, and that makes me sad. I said last year I'd find an editor and/or agent and give it a shot, blah blah blah. At this point, I'll settle for a beta reader or two...
• I will beat my all-time high score on "Yar's Revenge." Pretty sure I have that written down somewhere.
• I will finish writing back stories for all 700 of John Hodgman's HOBOES (800, if you have the paperback edition). HAHAHAHAHAHA that's just ridiculous!
  
• I will get to my target weight. This one feels like a bit of a cheat, because I am a mere four pounds away - but I have been about four pounds away for well over a year. 
• As the world at large and America in particular has clearly demonstrated its intention to continue burning, I will toast marshmallows. I haven't looked for them at my busted-ass grocery store, though. They probably haven't had them in months.
• Two words: Holophonor lessons. Only a couple of people in the whole universe know how to play it - and they're not very good!
  



Play it, Fry!


• I resolve that in 2022, I will find out if my friend Godfrey Ozzenbarq III (not his real name) is still alive. I haven't heard from him in months, and I'm starting to fear the worst.
• I'm gonna use my 20% off Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon - hopefully on an item from Beyond. Do they have lava lamps. I'll have to check...
• They don't. Well, they have one kind of knock-off-looking one. That's okay - I'll find something. Maybe a doormat that says "GO AWAY!" I wonder if they have those. Hang on...
  
• They do! Several different designs, actually. Woo-hoo! Count it!
• I resolve to go figure.
• I resolutely resolve to NOT find out what the hell "Wordle" is. 

Seriously WTF is that? It's nonsense!

• I WILL FIND MY EBN-OZN T-SHIRT. This year, for sure... 

 

There. That all sounds pretty doable, right? What are some of your resolutions for 2022? No, no - don't actually *tell* me. Just, like, think about 'em, or something. And join me next time, when we might actually get back into to hobo weirdness.