Another 88 Lines About 44 More Hoboes

 

Cloudy with a chance of hoboes - Photo by Joe

I've done this before. Twice, actually. Once in 2013, and again five years later in 2018. After another five years, I guess it's time to have another go. Re-re-inspired by a song by The Nails, here comes another 88 about 44. Deep breath - we can do this, together...

• Salami Sunshine was named for the contraband he made. It was salty and fatty and tasted of the photons of the nearest star.
• Monk, The Monkey Man (which is to say: "the Man") was not permitted within 500 feet of any zoo. The less said about that, the better.
• Lois "Charles" Ladyfinger didn't decide she was born wrong. She discovered it.
• Nosepicker Rick Pick never touched his nose. He did, however, steal the nose off anything he could find that had a nose.
• Thad Malfeasance was so adept at getting away with his crimes, he went ahead and put it right there in his name. Eventually, by the grace of all that is right and just, he learned that there is a limit, and it can be reached.
• Speaking of evil... Sinister Leonard Longhair looked exactly like Jake Busey's character in the movie "Contact," right before he blew up the giant space travel machine. Fortunately for him, he died 45 years before that movie came out, so no one ever mentioned it.
• Bum-Smiter Phillip went around bopping hoboes on the head with a huge wooden spoon. His death was neither quick nor painless, as hoboes HATED being called bums.
• Emergency Exit Aisle Gustav Nook was ahead of his time. There were no emergency exit rows on trains (not that he'd know, as hoboes almost never saw the inside of a passenger coach).
• The Rambling, Rambling Boris Wander had one of those paradoxical names. He never went anywhere - which is weird, for a hobo.
• Alternate-Dimension Bela Boost was ever haunted. She spoke wistfully of the existence of a fourth dimension, but could not describe it.
• Duke Jermiah Choo-Choo sneezed constantly. He had few friends.
• Sanfor Who Lacks Fingerprints didn't really lack fingerprints. He just wore socks on his hands and never removed them.
• Thor Hammerskold, The Mexican was good with a hammer. He also liked tequila or tacos or something.
• Smoke-Collecting Reg never exhaled and was never satisfied. He died at 29 - but so did a LOT of other hoboes.
• Godigisel The Vandal always carried spray paint. His graffiti jigsaw puzzles with missing pieces were beloved from Minneapolis all the way to St. Paul.
• Sammy Austere refused to carry more than a half-piece of lint. His fellow 'boes grew tired of him always asking to borrow their supplies.
• Aspiring Jaster thought he was funny but really wasn't. This might have been funnier, had he known how to spell jester.
• Dr. Zizmor was an expert on all the maladies that plagued hoboes. He never cured anyone of anything, but he could always tell you what you had.
• Silas Swollentoe was Dr. Zizmor's number one patient. Yes, it was gangrene, and yes, it killed him.
• Eyepatch Resse Andiron had a small tear in his retina, causing a flood of floaters and some weird flashes of light. Pity he didn't live in the age of lasers - or have health insurance.
• When he was a baby, Huckle Smothered was nearly murdered by a jealous brother with a pillow. We're glad he survived, because he grew up to be a really nice man.
• Ponzi-Scheme Jeremiah Ponzi got away with it for years. By the time they caught him, he had half the lint in Pennsylvania.
• Dennis Big-Ear Fox hated being asked to listen for faraway train whistles. His gigantic ears scarcely worked at all.
• Deformed Abe was similarly frustrated, for he wasn't deformed at all. Hoboes just weren't used to seeing one of their one with ten fingers.
• Fast-Neck Nell enjoyed kissing, a lot. You got a problem with that?
• Desert Locust was from Arizona. He looked more like a cicada, if you ask me.
• Extra-Skin Dave always gave away his fried chicken skins. No one ever told him that was the best part.
• Everyone loved Manny Stillwaggon, The Man With The Handlebar Eyebrows. He had a wagon that produced moonshine, and his eyebrows were neat.
• Human Hair Blanket Morris Burnes was never cold. He was, however, profoundly creepy.
• Opie, The Boston Bum is gonna go get his oldah brothah to come out and kick yah ass, yah moron! What'd I tell yah about callin' hoboes bums!
• Thermos H. Christ had an air of holiness. His coffee was always hot, and never ran out, no matter how many hoboes' cups he filled.
• Abraham, The Secret Collector Of Decorative China had to change his name, and quick. Decorative China collecting and train-hopping mixed about as well as tequila and that one friend who had a really bad experience with tequila.
• Socks Monster was simple enough. He was humongous and scary-ugly, and stole a LOT of socks.
• Stain-Sucker Duncan had few friends. I think we all know why.
• Sharkey, The Secret Cop didn't know that's what the other hoboes called him. He wasn't very good at undercover work.
• Captain Slick-Talk wasn't much better than Sharkey. Anyone who spoke well was immediately suspected of being a cop.
• Samuel Gel Insole could have sold hundreds of his foot-saving invention. Unfortunately, hoboes tended to have no money for such extravagances.
• Stupefying P, The Riddle-Maker amazed his friends by coming up with the most ingenious stumpers. The problem was that he had NONE of their answers. 
• Todd Flaky-Palms was the friendliest of hoboes. It saddened him that no one would ever shake his hand more than once.
• Mariah Duckface, The Beaked Woman would have thrived in the age of selfies. Is duck face still a thing?
• I wish I could say that Burnt Goathead was one of those mis-named hoboes. Yes, it's as bad as it sounds.
• Saint Sorryass was constantly apologizing when he didn't need to. His friends let it go, because he was just so freakin' NICE, you know?
• Hubie Hewitt, The Broadway Legend was insufferable. Everyone knows you were never on Broadway, Hubie!
• And Myron Biscuitspear, The Dumpster Archeologist - here's a kiss. I chose you to end this list.

WE MADE IT!! Wait - are you still with me? If so, give yourself a round of applause. That was arduous, and you are a trooper, and I salute you. Go and rest, now. Tomorrow we'll do something easier.