Survey Says...

 

At the end of my three-foot receipt.

Hi there! Here's a thing that I do for fun, sometimes when I am very, very bored. You're welcome to try it, as well. Okay, truthfully, I don't do it sometimes. I do it with a sad, AARP-level regularity. Alarming regularity. Even when I'm not remotely bored. I complete the customer satisfaction surveys my local grocery store provides at the tail end of each of its massive receipts. I think I started during my last stint as an unemployed person, many years ago, hoping to win a $500 gift card for groceries. 

It only takes a couple of minutes, and while I do answer most of the questions honestly, there are two opportunities for written explanations for your numeric ratings. At some point I thought, "Hey - maybe an actual human person has to read the written answers." In real life, I'm not much of a day-improver, but in the realm of the flying electrons, I simply adore making strangers' days just a teensy bit brighter.

To wit:

They ask, "How likely are you to recommend [Store] to a friend, family member, or coworker?" For years, I always clicked zero (on a scale of zero to ten). They then ask why you responded with a zero. Some of my answers, half-remembered and in no particular order:

"Because no one listens to me, so why bother?"

"Because I have no family, friends, or coworkers, and now I'm terribly upset that you reminded me of that fact."

"Because they can't hear me from the court-mandated 500 feet away."

"Because no one (NO ONE) goes around recommending grocery stores to each other."

"Is there an option lower than zero?"

"Because COVID."

Then, a year or so ago, my favorite cashier mentioned to me that the manager had told him someone was constantly rating him a ten, but giving the store a zero. I  have no doubt that it was my weekly survey that had come to their attention. It sounded like the management and staff were not okay with this, as it impacted raises and bonuses and stuff. So I immediately started clicking ten for "likelihood to recommend [Store]," and some of my reasons:

"Because recommending [Store] is life. Everything else is just details."

"It's literally all I can talk about. Whenever the subject strays away from [Store], I grow dangerously angry."

"I will not rest until every single solitary friend, family member, and coworker is as loyal a [Store] shopper as I am."

"Because nothing exists but [Store], and everyone needs to be made aware of that fact."

Next, they ask "How did your shopping experience with [Store] make you feel?" Here, a zero represents "disappointed" and a ten means "delighted," although I could swear that for the first few years, it said "excited." I ALWAYS click the FIVE button. Why?

"Because it's groceries, not your first kiss."

"Because it's groceries, not the Desert Storm Victory Celebration fireworks."

"Because it's groceries, not the first song of your first ever concert."

"Because it's groceries, not a new episode of 'Rick & Morty.'"

"Because it's groceries, not the birth of your first child."

"Because it's groceries, not your first time driving the bumper car by yourself."

[many, many other responses, too R-rated for this family-friendly blog - but trust me, sooooo weird and fun and occasionally humorous...]

I'm sure some A.I. bot is reading these, nowadays, but I truly hope that at some point there was some poor bored human employee performing that task. I further dare to wish that some of these bits of snark and goofiness served to bring a momentary smile to that person's overworked face. 

I also wish I'd been saving my answers somewhere. I suddenly can't remember 99% of them...

See you tomorrow, hopefully!