The Office - Reimagined For 2024's Discerning Human Asset

It never stops. We just give you a good fling when we're done with you. Photo by Joe - 2001

Thanks to the pandemic (and the Great Resignation, and the "gig economy," and the sudden appearance of some of those Pop Tarts flavors no one asked for) the office as most of us knew it is gone - and it is NOT coming back. In 2020, my Beloved Employer had not one, but two 98% empty offices - one beautiful space in DC's "West End," and one rather less beautiful (at least on the inside) building in the Maryland suburbs. The decision was made to let everyone keep working remotely, sell the suburban property, and move the few of us still working there in-person to the DC office. Mistakes were made, but that's a subject for another post.

So. My seven-minute commute to this...

Ahhhh... Photo by Joe

...is now a seventy-seven-minute commute...

Okay, that's a Nats Park crowd, but you get the idea. Photo by Joe

But again, the move and the commute and the old office aren't what I'm here to talk about, tonight. No - it gets better. Beloved Employer has put me on a task force, charged with "reimagining" the DC office. My first reaction was a direct quote from the late comedian John Pinette, who responded to people turning off their porch lights on Halloween by warning, "Oh, don't do THAT."  Now, I know that some changes are needed. There are still SO few of us there on a daily basis, and the large meetings, retreats, conferences etc. are pretty infrequent. We have too much space, and I can personally vouch for this organization's diligence when it comes to NOT wasting our donors' money. So, yes. We're going to figure this out.

But I gotta be me, for a minute. I mean, it was right there in the subject line of the invite: "Reimagining" the office. So many ideas. They charged at me like BLACK FRIDAY shoppers, hell-bent on getting that door-buster deal on a Playstation, but then most of them fell down and got trampled and/or punched a lot. I remember a few...

Off the top of my head, I couldn't help but picture all twenty or so office regulars consolidated into one corner of the space. The carpet is replaced with sheets of greasy black steel, and each cubicle is now a bumper car. We've got our screens and a docking station for our laptop, and we get to return to the time-tested office communication technique of "bumping into each other" for impromptu conversations and collaboration. There are some details to work out, but I think this one's got potential.

From not quite the top of my head... Old-timey haunted mansion ride. We scoot from department to department in little cars, as animatronic ghosts and ghouls and such lunge at us and scare us into staying on-task. At one point, a skeleton in firefighting gear sprays real water from a hose and it looks like we're going to go right through it, but the lights go out at the last second and I guess the water turns off, because we don't get wet. Also there's a bit where you emerge onto a balcony overlooking the boardwalk. This reimagining needs no work, for it is perfect. Also black lights.

Sticking with our amusement park theme for some reason... carousel. Yep. Each headcount-- sorry, valued contributor - gets a horse. Our equine department will love it. Well, they would, if they ever saw it. Anyway, round and round we go, and our muzak is provided by a 1920's vintage calliope. Super-loud, because they didn't have volume controls on those things. Did they? I don't think they did, but I'm too lazy to go look it up. Fine. Hold on... HA!! They didn't have volume controls. I am vindicated. Where was I? Carousel office, yes. I remember. That's pretty much it. I'm sure I.T. has docking stations that can be modified to affix to the wooden horses' ears or something. Also, management can set the office speed to maximum, so no one has the nerve to try to jump off and go have a smoke or whatever. Also, still only two tickets, after all these years!

Okay, if I'm being honest, which I probably should be, my first thought was, "Yeah, I can reimagine it - as a quiet wooded spot in freakin' Gaithersburg!" But that bird has sailed, so how about... Everyone in one end of the space, and Joe all by himself at the opposite end. He knows everyone's there if he wants to talk. [spoiler alert: he rarely wants to talk (except to a few of you - you know who you are)] Okay, that's not entirely accurate either; most of us in-office personnel are super-cool to be around. But Joe's busy season dawns, and he will need some space to work through some things.

Castle. Dark and cold, feebly-illuminated by torches in wall sconces. Stone floors and walls and computers and printers. We're shackled to our granite workstations with iron chains. The walls are perpetually wet, and no one can locate the source of the water or the creepily-sad dripping sounds. There is a funky smell, and probably a dragon. Three-tiered dress code: executives in silks and jewels, DC regulars in armour, and Joe in burlap. Straw for lunch (hay - at least it's vegan).

No?

Okay... normal office, sensibly consolidated. But everyone is required to reimagine his/her workspace exactly like Joe's:

Endangered black-footed deskferrets not included. Photo by Anton Corbijn

Join us next time, when we reimagine "reimagine."