2010: Hey baby. I was hoping you'd call.
Me: I thought we had established that you wouldn't call me that anymore.
2010: Aw, come on. Don't be like that, baby.
Me: It doesn't matter anyway. I know it's really uncool to do this over the phone, but I think we both know it's time we had a little talk.
2010: Do what over the phone? Wait. You're not breaking up with me, are you?
Me: Well, yeah. I am. I'm sorry.
2010: But I love you, ba-- sorry. But I love you SO much. You can't leave me.
Me: I have to, '10. I just have to. You know it's not working. We're obviously not right for each other. I'm really sorry, but I know this is for the best.
2010: But what about all the great times we had? You're willing to just throw it all away?
Me: Let's not do this, '10. Let's just part as friends and move on.
2010: Remember the Olympics? That was pretty cool.
Me: I remember a nice kid from a small town died on the first day and there was no snow for most of the Olympics. And while we're on the subject, what was with the twin blizzards a week apart in DC? Was that a "great time?" The little five-inch snowfall that came between the two storms would normally have been our biggest snow of the winter, but this year it was nothing!
2010: I love snow. I wanted you to love it, too.
Me: But I don't, and I won't. See? That's what they call an irreconcilable difference. It's not your fault, but it does pretty much make us incompatible.
Me: And you thought it was funny when that five inches of snow fell while I was visiting [Maris] in the damn Intensive Care Unit! Remember that? Was THAT a great time? You almost killed her!
2010: She's all wrong for you. I can make you way happier than she can.
Me: No, she's not and no, you can't. I knew you would get like this. I should just go.
2010: No! Wait! What about all that leisure time I gave you? That had to be fun.
Me: I got laid off three months into what was supposed to be at least a one-year contract job! And with [Maris] out of work, that made our unemployment DOUBLE-BARREL!! That was NOT fun! What's wrong with you?
2010: Okay, so I screwed up. But you're just remembering all the bad times. What about Stephen Strasburg? Remember Stephen Strasburg? His debut was one of the best DC sports events ever! 14 strikeouts in his first game! 102-mph fastballs! A sold-out, standing-room crowd cheering its collective head off! It was magic!
Me: Yes, it was amazing, and I'll never forget it. It would be a much better memory if you hadn't blown out his arm a few weeks later, ending his season and his next season and possibly ruining him before he even got started. Remember that?
2010: Yeah. That was my bad.
Me: Look, it's just not working. You know it as well as I do. You've been trying harder in the last couple of months, but it's too late. It's time for us to say goodbye.
2010: Wait! That's right! I'm doing good things. You're getting healthier, [Maris] was employed by June, and well-employed by mid-July. You have a job - a good one! I made the cowboys suck, I kept those foul, evil yankees out of the World Series, I kept hurricanes off of US shores. I'm really trying to be better!
Me: Yeah, but the overall picture is kind of jacked-up. [Maris] almost died, we spent most of the year with at least one of us unemployed, my cousin had to fight off cancer, [Maris]'s cousin died way too young, her grandmother died...
2010: But she was very old, and wanted to be in heaven with her husband.
Me: That's true, but it's still sad. And you started piling on. My brother-in-law's mother was awesome and a true force for Good in the world, and having her go from full-speed ahead to gone forever was just cruel - I don't care what kind of cancer it was. And I have friends with their own job worries, and one with a very sick father, at least two with 2010 divorces.
2010: Hey - life is full of stuff like that.
Me: Oh, I know it is. It's just that you brought it in bunches. Not minor annoyances and losses; big ones. One after another after another. It got old. I know things are looking up now, but overall you were just not a good year to me or most of the people I know and love.
2010: I know. I suck. I'm a terrible year. No wonder you hate me.
Me: Don't start that "oh woe is me I'm such a loser" stuff with me! I'll hang up.
2010: I'm sorry, baby. Don't leave me! I can change! I can be the year you want me to be! I love you!
Me: You broke poor Haiti in half!
Me: In fact, you screwed up Christmas travel with blizzards in the UK and Europe, killed a LOT of people in floods and volcanic eruptions and tropical storms and all kinds of ugly stuff. And there are still like 14 million people in my country who want to work and can't. Look - I didn't want to do this routine. Let's just think of one good memory and say so long.
2010: (sniff) Well... remember the miners in Chile? That was pretty cool.
Me: Yes. The miners. That was awesome! That's what I'll remember. Thanks, '10.
2010: Don't leave me!
Me: Okay - I have someone on call-waiting. I gotta go...
2010: No! It's 2011, isn't it? I knew it! I'll kill you!
Me: It is 2011, and she's going to be good to me. Take care of yourself, '10. Goodbye.
2010: Wait! No!