Friday, April 9, 2010

Where's Lily?

(A big thank you to my soul-mate [Maris], without whom half of this post would not exist.)

BECKULA1897: Jimbo? You there? Happy Monday, bud!

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Becky! Wow – caps AND punctuation? What’s up with that?

BECKULA1897: You’re the only person I capitalize and punctuate for over IM. huge waste o time you know

JIMTHEYEAR2525: And YOU are the only person I tolerate calling me Jimbo.

BECKULA1897: :)

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Don’t you type like 110 words per minute? How much time are you really saving by typing U instead of you?

BECKULA1897: It adds up. Is Lily here today? We haven’t seen her on the 4th floor since last Thursday and my boss has stuff for her to sign.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Nope. She was out Friday and the one time she called to check in, all I could get out of her was that she’s “taking a few days off.” Haven’t heard from her since.

BECKULA1897: What??? We need her! She doesn’t take “a few days off” – like, EVER. What’s she doing?

JIMTHEYEAR2525: I don’t know, Becks.

BECKULA1897: Come on. Aren’t you two attached at the hip or something? I thought she told you absolutely everything.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Not about this. I know – weird, right?

BECKULA1897: I’ll bet you wish you were attached at the hip.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Hey! Lily is my BOSS. That’s just wrong.

BECKULA1897: That doesn’t sound like a denial. You know you fancy her.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Oh whatever, Becky. She’s a great boss and a good friend; that’s all. If she checks in, I’ll let her know you guys need her.

BECKULA1897: Thanks bud. Hey – maybe she’s interviewing!

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Yeah – at some great new company where she can take me with her. More likely, she’s off doing wholly inappropriate things with the new sales guy. (SHUDDER)

BECKULA1897: Maybe it’s both. And that shudder tells me you’d be so jealous.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: No, I just don’t like him. Anyway, for all we know she’s just taking a long weekend at the beach with her ex and the kids. It’s just more fun to imagine exciting clandestine things.

BECKULA1897: Clandestine??? Who is this – Frasier? Maybe she’s partying in Paris or Madrid. Or in Bruges!

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Maybe. I know – she’s in secret ninja training on a remote Japanese island. Or having surgery!

BECKULA1897: She’s in traffic school.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Oh, the possibilities! Did you see the latest farewell email? This is getting bleak.

BECKULA1897: Yeah, we should be updating our résumés. I’ll bet Lily’s taking hot air balloon lessons! Or she’s on a bender. You whined at me all last week about how she seemed sad.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: I didn’t whine. I was concerned.

BECKULA1897: Concerned – is that what you call it? I’ve seen how you look at her. Maybe she’s watching the DVDs of the first 3 seasons of “24” back-to-back.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Sweetie, you’re seeing things that aren’t there. In-patient freckle removal. Eating pistachios for 4 straight days!

BECKULA1897: I know you tell her at least once a day that you’ll follow her anywhere when she quits.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: That would be true even if she was married – or a man. I love working for her. Period. Anyway, I’m thinking there must be a shoe sale in Milan. I’ll check for new shoes when she gets back.

BECKULA1897: All the years we’ve been friends, you never EVER noticed shoes until she started working here. But my guess is an intensive pillow-making class, or maybe learning Mandarin.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Maybe if you wore nicer shoes, babe. I bet she’s been painting a Mardi Gras mural. Flying to Portugal to get her kid’s favorite crackers?

BECKULA1897: Taking mother-daughter recorder lessons (learn in 3 days or your money back)! Buying cruise wear! Learning all the curse words in every language!

JIMTHEYEAR2525: I like that she swears. Maybe she’s shopping for swear jars to replace the one she smashed.

BECKULA1897: You like everything about that woman. You even like that she’s older than you. Why don’t you just quit or transfer to another department, so you can date her?

JIMTHEYEAR2525: You think she would date me?

BECKULA1897: Ah-HA!!!!!

JIMTHEYEAR2525: No! I just mean that I don’t see us dating. Besides, she needs me here!

BECKULA1897: Uh huh. You know – she could be auditioning to be on a reality show. You said she likes a bunch of them.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Nah. She’s getting Lasik for the puppy. Hold on – just got an email from her.

BECKULA1897: I’ll bet it says “stop talking about me behind my back!”

JIMTHEYEAR2525: She really hates that. We should stop.

BECKULA1897: Aww… Hey – did she say where she is?

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Stoppit Becks. No, but she says she won’t be in until at least Wednesday afternoon – maybe Thursday. I hope everything’s okay.

BECKULA1897: Oh that’s so sweet. I’m sure everything’s fine. She’s probably just in training to be a tollbooth operator. Or modeling for Mme. Tussauds. Or setting up an offshore account in the Caymans. Ooh – I know – she’s recovering from a little nip/tuck!

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Okay, I’m being completely objective here. Do you think there’s anything on that woman that needs nipping or tucking?

BECKULA1897: No you’re not, but I don’t know. No woman is ever happy with her appearance. Hard to tell, though. She dresses pretty conservatively.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Oh that’s right. You missed the Christmas party. She wore a short cocktail dress and had great hair and makeup and she was all cleavagey and oh man those shoes. She loosened up a lot, too. You should have seen her.

BECKULA1897: Wow. Sir, I don’t think you could be more transparent if you tried. By the way – cleavagey???

JIMTHEYEAR2525: I knew you’d say something like that! I said almost the same thing about you when I first saw you all dolled-up. It’s just an observation.

BECKULA1897: And “denial” is just a river in Egypt. I’m not arguing about this anymore. You dig her. Anyway, I can’t picture her like that. I’m more likely to believe that she’s been washing all the windows and picture frames in her giant house. Or maybe clipping the cats’ toenails.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: She robbed a bank in WVA and needs to lay low until the heat blows over!

BECKULA1897: She’s on a trip to space – she doesn’t want anyone to know she can afford it.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: She took all her aunts and uncles to go ostrich-tickling.

BECKULA1897: Testifying before the House Subcommittee on pig roasts. Practicing stilt-walking.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: You don’t have any work to do today, huh?

BECKULA1897: Not without Lily’s signature on all these contracts. You?

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Nada. She could be delivering sandpaper.

BECKULA1897: Or – Trapped In Cave By Bear In Appalachians!

JIMTHEYEAR2525: And more upset about the loss of phone signal than the bear.

BECKULA1897: Of course. How about plotting her revenge!

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Sweet! Making swords at a Renaissance Faire.

BECKULA1897: Backstage passes to jah works * can’t hang * chris cubeta & the liars club * twenty for seven. Singing in Japanese commercial for Mickey Mouse flip-flops.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Becks? Are you okay? Maybe her new part-time job at the ice cream parlor requires 3-day offsite orientation and training.

BECKULA1897: I’m fine. Do you suppose she could be making crop circles at night and sleeping all day? Or making homemade lava lamps to celebrate National Chair Leg Day.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: She’s been at the State Dept. trying to get her name removed from a “watch list.”

BECKULA1897: She’s gone to Ibiza and she is not coming back. Ever.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Yeah. More likely, she’s at Mardi Gras. Tomorrow’s Fat Tuesday, you know.

BECKULA1897: Now you’re being ridiculous. Can you picture her doing the whole beads routine? Exposing herself to drunk 20-somethings for cheap strings of plastic? Oh wait – you probably can picture that.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Yeah. Or better still – she’s been shopping for some outlandish costume for an exclusive Mardi Gras masquerade ball!

BECKULA1897: With a mask and everything? I don’t know.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Not just a mask. A huge red feathery mask in dramatic colors, perfectly matching her sparkly, ultra-low-cut, corset-style dress with a big poofy skirt.

BECKULA1897: Ooh la la! She’d go with electric blue, though.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Oh yeah – to bring out her eyes! And twice as much makeup as she would ever normally wear. And some kind of took-all-day up hairdo.

BECKULA1897: What is she masquerading as, Marie Antoinette?

JIMTHEYEAR2525: No. Just the Lily that we don't know. Dark lipstick. Very dark.

BECKULA1897: OK dude – that’s hot and you totally want her and I’m bored now. Let’s think of some more ridiculous ideas for where she’s been.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Hmm… In New York, producing a Simon & Garfunkle reunion CD?

BECKULA1897: Better. Or tricking out her SUV for street racing.

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Learning to play “Barracuda” on harmonica.

BECKULA1897: She could be recovering from a 3-day marathon of “Rocky Horror Picture Show!”

JIMTHEYEAR2525: Hang on Becks –

BECKULA1897: (Drumming Fingers)

JIMTHEYEAR2525: It’s Lily.

BECKULA1897: Where is she???

BECKULA1897: Where is she???

BECKULA1897: Dude – you’re killing me!

JIMTHEYEAR2525: I gotta run. Not sure if I’ll be in, tomorrow. Wish me luck. ;)

BECKULA1897: What??? Jim!! Where is she??? What’s going on???

JIMTHEYEAR2525 is no longer online.

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