Day 30 of Double-barrel Unemployment: A Temp-to-perm Landstander

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Temp Lady, in sing-song mode: "Good morning, Joe! This is Maggie from [temp agency] and I have some great opportunities for yooooou!"

Joe: "Ugh, um, yes? Oh hi! Great. Let's hear what you got!"

TL: "First, there's a part-time receptionist assignment at a very busy doctor's office..."

Joe: "Okay..."

TL: "It pays $6 an hour and is located in Philadelphia. Parking there costs $4.50 an hour."

Joe: "I live at least 3 hours away from there, and it sounds like my net pay - before taxes - would be $1.50 an hour, so I hope you'll understand if I pass on this one."

TL: "No problem at all. I have a few others. Let's see... Oh yes - I thought of you the minute I saw this one. It's like a carbon-copy of your own résumé. Full-time sales rep for an international chemical company. Must have medical and/or pharmacology degree and at least 10 years of progressive biochemical weapons sales experience. Firearms certification and/or military or counter-intelligence background a plus. Every other Friday off! Business casual dress!"

Joe: "I think you might have someone else's résumé in mind. I don't have any of those qualifications."

TL: "No worries, Joe. I thought it might be a good fit because of your video store experience, but that's okay. How about this? Busy office needs someone for overly-chatty manager to babble at all day long, so that the rest of the staff can do their jobs. $30 an hour, Joe! Paid parking. Rockville location. Oh, wait. Must have MBA. You don't have an MBA, do you?"

Joe: "No. Sorry."

TL: "Well hang on; I've got a couple more. Temp-to-perm Landstander. $11 an hour. Gaithersburg. Small company with casual atmosphere. What do you think?"

Joe: "Did you say Landstander?"

TL: "Yes, that's right. Landstander. With a chance for the right person to stay on permanently!"

Joe: "Is there a job description? I'm not familiar with the title."

TL: "Let me just check, here. Ah yes. 'The Landstander will primarily be responsible for standing on land.'"

Joe: "That's it? I would stand on land?"

TL: "Also some light filing, it says here. Sounds like a great fit for you, doesn't it?"

Joe: "Landstander."

TL: "Landstander."

Joe: "What kind of company is it?"

TL: "It's a day-care center."

Joe:

TL: "Oh dear. You're not a pedophile, are you? You're not a registered sex offender or something?"

Joe: "NO! Okay, send my résumé to that one, but just for fun, what else do you have?"

TL: "One more. I'm sharing this one with you first to see if you're interested, before I call anyone else. Because I like you."

Joe: "Wow. I appreciate that."

TL: "Okay. I know when we had our meeting, you had said that while you're searching for a permanent employment solution, you were open to assignments with flexible hours, and positions that got you outside - like courier jobs."

Joe: "I don't remember any of that, but it might not be a bad idea. You have a courier assignment?"

TL: "Yes! The title is Special Materials Transport Technician and Client Support Liaison."

Joe: "Try fitting that on a business card!"

TL: "I know! This position requires the utmost in discretion and respect for client confidentiality. Pays $48 an hour, plus mileage. The Technician/Liaison will ensure timely, secure delivery of product to customers of all types, from individuals at home to Congressmen and Senators on the Hill."

Joe: "Cool. What kind of company is it? Lawyers?"

TL: "No. They provide a very critical service, but the principals tend to keep an extremely low profile."

Joe: "Well, okay. I could definitely give it a try. I can be very discreet and professional."

TL: "Wonderful! Now, let me ask you this? Do you have any allergies to latex?"

Joe: "Um. Not that I know of. Why?"

TL: "And do you have a current passport?"

Joe: "Yes... Why?"

TL: "Now, I have to ask this, as it does pertain to the candidate's ability to perform the assignment. Have you ever had a colonoscopy?"

Joe:

TL: "I know. I'm sorry. I have to ask."

Joe: "I am NOT going to be a coke mule for some scary-ass drug dealers! Are you kidding me?"

TL: "No, no! You've got it all wrong. You would not be smuggling cocaine in your rectum, Joe! What on earth gave you that idea?"

Joe: "The whole description and your questions did! You mean this isn't an assignment as a coke mule - sneaking condoms or whatever filled with coke into the country and delivering it to customers?"

TL: "Absolutely not!"

Joe: "Okay, then. Sorry."

TL: "It would be heroin."

Joe: (click)