Monday, August 31, 2015

And The Song Will Fade Out (I Predict)...

The Future - In Color!

Long ago, I declared that I would turn out to be vatic - sorry, to have been vatic.  Finally, my prediction of clairvoyance has been proven true.

What was it that occurred as I foretold?  Several things, actually, but what comes to mind at the moment are the following (in no particular order):
  • In 1993, I predicted that "Achy Breaky Heart" was not the worst thing that Billy Ray Cyrus was going to do to us.
  • The first time I saw MTV (in 1984 - I was a little late), I said, "Well, there goes the radio star."
  • When Go-Pro cameras came out, I said, "Great - we already have sex tapes; now I bet we'll have crimes recorded in 1st-person perspective and posted on social media."
  • When I bought a Camaro convertible, I predicted that some jackwad would flip his and die, and my insurance premium would instantly increase by $129/year, despite my completely ticket- and claim-free driving.
  • When donald trump said, "In no way, shape or form is a Certificate of Live Birth the same as a Birth Certificate," I said, "Oh just you wait - it gets better!"

Pretty impressive, yes?  So... I'll bet you're anxious to see my predictions for the future, looking forward from August 31st, 2015.  For the sake of argument and a blog post, let's just pretend for a moment that you are.  K?  Here we go...

  • The trump thing?  As Yoda taught us, "Always in motion is the future," but I'm afraid he figures prominently in our declining nation's coming years.  Fear not, however, for A) We survived Bush, B) We survived Obama, and C) meh - who cares...
  •  Global warming will not result in the human devastation that so many thousands of climate scientists currently predict.  The reason for this is... man-made intervention.  Remember "Y2K?"  The world's computers were all supposed to fail at midnight, December 31, 1999.  We spent countless billions of dollars to prevent catastrophe, and when it didn't happen, we all bitched and joked about those billions spent, when in reality it was those spent billions that had prevented the catastrophe.  It will be the same with global warming.  Trust me.  It will.
  • Eventually, wireless electronic devices will become uncool, and people will only use them ironically.
  • In another 5-8 years, sex tapes and nude photo leaks will be so commonplace, so de rigueur, that the public will tire of them, and celebrities will once again be forced to actually bring something to the table, in order to garner and hold any substantive attention.
  • The south shall rise again.  HAHAHAHAHAHA just kidding - can you imagine!
  • The Nationals and Orioles will meet in the World Series.
  • Kanye West will have an Oscar.  It will be Emmanuel Lubezki's, for "Birdman," but still.  He will have it.  From an estate auction.
  • "Yes Dear" will be appreciated as the greatest television show of any generation ever.
  • Trains will be replaced by newer, faster trains.
  • Flying.  Cars.
  • Two words:  President Timberlake.

And don't even get me started on where "Bloom County" will take us, in the future.

There.  You're welcome.  

P.S. Winning lottery numbers available, but they'll cost you.

This week, I'm writing in response to a prompt from my Studio 30-plus friends -- for a change!  This time, we were given "vatic" and/or "clairvoyant," and told to GO.  I went.  I'll go again, maybe.  See if I don't!


  1. The Kanye West prediction made me laugh... during the VMAs he did announce his 2020 White House run. Stranger things have happened though.

    1. It's sad that stranger things have indeed happened. *sigh*
      But thanks!

  2. Oh my! The great prognosticator you are (in my best Yoda voice). First of all, what about the WMDs? Secondly, Dirk Digler is probably the only one who brought anything to the table in the first place. Just kidding. Loved this piece!

    1. Oh, don't you worry about those WMDs. I have Top Men looking for them, as we speak.
      Top. Men.
      Thanks, Katy!