Finally! I have my very own stalker! I know! I'm excited about it. Her name is Brook, although her email address says Brookstone. For the past two years, she's been emailing me every day. Starting in early November, that became twice a day. Since a couple of days before Thanksgiving, I've been hearing from her four times a day.
I can tell from her emailing pattern that she might have a touch of the old OCD. The emails come at 3:14am, 11:14am, 2:07pm and 4:07pm - the same times every day. Actually, on Saturday the 2:07 email didn't show up until 2:09. I have to admit - I was a little worried. I've never had a stalker, before. You're supposed to get all attached to them, and worry when they're late for their stalking appointments, right?
Anyway, her brand of stalking has remained mostly harmless (haha!) so far, although some of her emails have no shortage of urgency.
She wanted to make sure I was aware of something called "Early-bird Specials," which apparently come in limited quantities. Then, she reminded me twice that time was running out on the specials. I thought that was nice of her. I got a $200 air purifier for $100!
Then came something called "Black Friday." She didn't want me to miss out on the unprecedented savings on all Beats by Dr. Dre headphones and Shiatsu Bed Loungers. Later that afternoon, she unleashed her inner temptress, promising that she'd pay me to shop, and swore she wasn't joking. There was a catch, of course, and that sort of hurt. Things continued downhill for a while, because her next message was some ominous warning about how the clock was ticking and time was running out for me.
But then, shockingly not even on "Black Friday," she offered me the lowest prices of the season on massage chairs. I got four of them. Are stalkers supposed to give ultimatums and set deadlines? I don't know - I'm new to all this. Her next email threatened me with missing out on the $20 gift card for each $100 in purchases if I failed to respond within two days.
She's an enigma, though. I'm not sure what to make of "Why stop at decorating your tree?" My tree? I don't get it. Is that some sort of double-entendré? Her threats weren't empty, either. I was, in fact, too late for the 30%-off Razor Scooter that draws chalk lines as it scoots. Bummer.
Eventually, we got down to last chances and "final minutes," and then she was gone. I haven't heard from her since this morning. I wonder if she's moved on. Strangely, I think I would miss her. She does have a certain charm. Oh well, I'm richer for the experience, I suppose. Maybe her internet is down.
Wait - what's this about "Cyber Monday," Brook?
Showing posts with label Black Friday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Black Friday. Show all posts
Monday, November 26, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Dear Black Friday
Dear Black Friday,
Oh, how you've grown! I remember when you were just a baby. I used to participate - against my will, obviously - in your shenanigans. I was on the selling end of the deal back then, and you weren't known as Black Friday, yet. You probably don't remember. You were still known as "the day after Thanksgiving," and nobody spent the night sleeping in cold shopping center parking lots just to be the first to meet you.
I'm not writing to lecture you, but I do wish you would reconsider using that awful name. "Black Friday" was our name for you. Sure, it started with the Philadelphia police, but by the time I was a member of that near-slave-labor retail workforce, it had come to mean "that horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad worst day of the year when we all work from open to close and want to die." Some like to get all accounting-ish and connect your name with retailers' most profitable month, but either way, it was an insider term!
It was ours. It was negative - or at best an accounting term - ick. It was not for public use, or intended to be the name of anything the masses needed to know about. I'm not even going to go after the retailers or the ridiculous people who encourage their pushing of your day into the day that precedes it. Most people know how stupid it all is, but whatever (I just received an email letting me know that Zazzle is extending their Black Friday prices). We can't help that. I just want them to call you something else.
Retail slaves have so little; can't they have their negative insider nickname for you? At this point, I realize that it's too late. Black Friday is a thing now, and somehow everyone is on-board with it. So really I guess I am just writing to whine about that sad fact. You've been taken from the people who invented you. I hope you're happy.
I'll see you in December, when the deals are better, anyway.
Love, Joe
Oh, how you've grown! I remember when you were just a baby. I used to participate - against my will, obviously - in your shenanigans. I was on the selling end of the deal back then, and you weren't known as Black Friday, yet. You probably don't remember. You were still known as "the day after Thanksgiving," and nobody spent the night sleeping in cold shopping center parking lots just to be the first to meet you.
I'm not writing to lecture you, but I do wish you would reconsider using that awful name. "Black Friday" was our name for you. Sure, it started with the Philadelphia police, but by the time I was a member of that near-slave-labor retail workforce, it had come to mean "that horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad worst day of the year when we all work from open to close and want to die." Some like to get all accounting-ish and connect your name with retailers' most profitable month, but either way, it was an insider term!
It was ours. It was negative - or at best an accounting term - ick. It was not for public use, or intended to be the name of anything the masses needed to know about. I'm not even going to go after the retailers or the ridiculous people who encourage their pushing of your day into the day that precedes it. Most people know how stupid it all is, but whatever (I just received an email letting me know that Zazzle is extending their Black Friday prices). We can't help that. I just want them to call you something else.
Retail slaves have so little; can't they have their negative insider nickname for you? At this point, I realize that it's too late. Black Friday is a thing now, and somehow everyone is on-board with it. So really I guess I am just writing to whine about that sad fact. You've been taken from the people who invented you. I hope you're happy.
I'll see you in December, when the deals are better, anyway.
Love, Joe
Sunday, November 18, 2012
What's The Rush?
The Christmas-- sorry, -holiday- music has begun. I think the dedicated 24/7 holiday music channels have already been on the air on Sirius/XM for a week. The "Black Friday" sales ads have been running for at least that long (more on that later this week). The Salvation Army ringer was outside our neighborhood grocery store by last weekend, as well.
Are you sensing a theme, here? Of course you are. But this isn't a rant against the steady creep of Christmas-- sorry, -the holidays- backwards, up the calendar toward summer. No, this is a rant about the fact that it's not just Christm-- the holidays. It seems that we are jumping the gun on almost everything, these days. We have to get all the holiday songs played, all the sales sold, all the decorations hung, like, RIGHT NOW!! Why? Because we need to get it out of the way of New Year's.
We'll need to put New Year's behind us by no later than December 27th, because we have to make room for the college football championship, the NFL playoffs, American Idol, Martin Luther King Day (or as South Carolina and Arizona still prefer, "Monday") and the Super Bowl. And those things better get a move on, because all the Valentine's Day cards and candy MUST be sold by January 24th. Otherwise, there is a risk that those commercials could intermingle with the Presidents' Day sale ads, which would lead to a new recession.
I know this stuff doesn't sound like a big deal, but it doesn't take much of it to set off a catastrophic chain of of causality. If Valentine's Day interferes with Presidents' Day, then Presidents' Day will step on spring fashion, Easter (spring holiday) and March Madness, causing space-time to collapse upon itself, snuffing out the universe. And if back-to-school season isn't over by July 4th -- well, you don't want to know what would happen.
Obviously I could go on, but I won't. My point is simple: what is the rush? I understand that -the holidays- has become so important to our nation's economy that it warrants more than a week or two of attention. But is FIVE weeks not enough? And do kids need to interrupt their summer vacations at the halfway point to shop for school supplies? How long do these things take? Must everything be compressed forward in time, a little more each year? Where's the line? How much time do we need to spend being prematurely hyper-sold in honor of annual events?
The answer is simple, yet sad. We need to spend all of our time preparing for the next thing, and the very second that thing arrives, we need to shift our focus to the next next thing, and so on. We need this. We need it because we've been trained to need it. And we shouldn't complain, because this works for us. It works.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a pre-Halloween sale at CVS, and I'd better get in line now, or all the frozen turkeys and Whitman's Samplers will be gone.
Are you sensing a theme, here? Of course you are. But this isn't a rant against the steady creep of Christmas-- sorry, -the holidays- backwards, up the calendar toward summer. No, this is a rant about the fact that it's not just Christm-- the holidays. It seems that we are jumping the gun on almost everything, these days. We have to get all the holiday songs played, all the sales sold, all the decorations hung, like, RIGHT NOW!! Why? Because we need to get it out of the way of New Year's.
We'll need to put New Year's behind us by no later than December 27th, because we have to make room for the college football championship, the NFL playoffs, American Idol, Martin Luther King Day (or as South Carolina and Arizona still prefer, "Monday") and the Super Bowl. And those things better get a move on, because all the Valentine's Day cards and candy MUST be sold by January 24th. Otherwise, there is a risk that those commercials could intermingle with the Presidents' Day sale ads, which would lead to a new recession.
I know this stuff doesn't sound like a big deal, but it doesn't take much of it to set off a catastrophic chain of of causality. If Valentine's Day interferes with Presidents' Day, then Presidents' Day will step on spring fashion, Easter (spring holiday) and March Madness, causing space-time to collapse upon itself, snuffing out the universe. And if back-to-school season isn't over by July 4th -- well, you don't want to know what would happen.
Obviously I could go on, but I won't. My point is simple: what is the rush? I understand that -the holidays- has become so important to our nation's economy that it warrants more than a week or two of attention. But is FIVE weeks not enough? And do kids need to interrupt their summer vacations at the halfway point to shop for school supplies? How long do these things take? Must everything be compressed forward in time, a little more each year? Where's the line? How much time do we need to spend being prematurely hyper-sold in honor of annual events?
The answer is simple, yet sad. We need to spend all of our time preparing for the next thing, and the very second that thing arrives, we need to shift our focus to the next next thing, and so on. We need this. We need it because we've been trained to need it. And we shouldn't complain, because this works for us. It works.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a pre-Halloween sale at CVS, and I'd better get in line now, or all the frozen turkeys and Whitman's Samplers will be gone.
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