Ante Vaccine Living, 1A - 1B - 027 - HO Arriba!

So. I owe my friend Godfrey O. Ozzenbarq III (not his real name) an email (yes, we still use email. sue us), and I haven't produced a blog post in almost two months. I'm nothing if not efficient (that's a lie; I'm not efficient - at all), so I thought I'd combine these two tasks and save myself like five minutes...

 

From: Your friend Joe, via Mostly Harmless Drivel

To: Godfrey O. Ozzenbarq III (not your real name)

Date: Saturday, February 20, 2021, 8:49 PM EST

Old-timey Dude,

Your list of categories of people who are ahead of you in the long and winding COVID vaccine queue was almost as amusing as it was depressing. I mean, you're behind blue-eyed Arabs, and it's not even close! Jinkies! That's bad. Carnival barkers and retro duckpin bowlers and Waffle House assistant managers in training - and ALL of the Roberts and Svens?? That list was daunting. I feared that your estimated vaccine appointment date would land several years beyond your expected life span. 

 

A small sample of the people ahead of you

 

But dig THIS!

I was checking out the 71 vaccine information websites for Maryland (2 of them were NOT 100% fraudulent!), and it turns out that you are in better shape than we thought. Yes, you're still behind appendicitis victims (2000-2012), Calvinists, Blockbuster Video clerks, self-parkers, all motor car operators since 1899 and everyone who has a "proper name," but there has been some kind of reassessment of prioritization. I'm happy to report that, because somebody sued the state of Maryland (probably that dimwit asshat Robin Ficker), you have officially moved ahead of:

• Teachers
• Nurses
• Police officers above the rank of recruit
• All other first responders
• The elderly
• Model train store operators, but only "O" and "027" and larger scales
• Movie theater lobby carpet sanitizers
• Ultra-high-speed poultry slaughter line monitors and their victims
• Hoboes
• People who still haven't tried the Popeyes chicken sandwich because they know damn well it's far superior to KFC's, and makes Chic-fi-la's (learn to spell, you assholes - and learn to make food) seem like a slurry of human thumbs, breaded in deer hair and deep-fried in cellulite. That's not really fair, that bit about Chic-fi-la, because that is precisely how they make their "chicken" sandwiches (although because I am a gentleman, I left out the step with the unhealthy person urine).
• Barbara Bach. Is she alive? If she's alive, you're ahead of her. If not, then sorry but you gotta get behind her.
• All "regular" bar patrons at Applebee's
• Me
• Okay, you were already ahead of me, on account of your advanced age, but I thought a reminder might make you feel better.
• Teetotalers
• Gen Z (it was determined that they are as unnecessary as they are invincible)
• Accountants (they are the WORST)
• Veterans of Up With People
• While we're at it - the Starland Vocal Band
• Other duties as assigned

So, yeah. Not so bad, right? Now, with our respective vaccination dates so fast approaching, let's get back to our normal routine of bitching about literally everything and inventing complex, vulgar, horrifically-insulting nicknames and descriptors for politicians and Kardashians. 

Yours in doom,

JMSeriouslydudewearejustasdoomedaswewereamonthagomaybemoreso

P.S. How's it going?

Stop Stalking Me -- Wait. Where Are You Going?

Finally!  I have my very own stalker!  I know!  I'm excited about it.  Her name is Brook, although her email address says Brookstone.  For the past two years, she's been emailing me every day.  Starting in early November, that became twice a day.  Since a couple of days before Thanksgiving, I've been hearing from her four times a day.   

I can tell from her emailing pattern that she might have a touch of the old OCD.  The emails come at 3:14am, 11:14am, 2:07pm and 4:07pm - the same times every day.  Actually, on Saturday the 2:07 email didn't show up until 2:09.  I have to admit - I was a little worried.  I've never had a stalker, before.  You're supposed to get all attached to them, and worry when they're late for their stalking appointments, right?

Anyway, her brand of stalking has remained mostly harmless (haha!) so far, although some of her emails have no shortage of urgency.

She wanted to make sure I was aware of something called "Early-bird Specials," which apparently come in limited quantities.  Then, she reminded me twice that time was running out on the specials.  I thought that was nice of her.  I got a $200 air purifier for $100!

Then came something called "Black Friday."  She didn't want me to miss out on the unprecedented savings on all Beats by Dr. Dre headphones and Shiatsu Bed Loungers.  Later that afternoon, she unleashed her inner temptress, promising that she'd pay me to shop, and swore she wasn't joking.  There was a catch, of course, and that sort of hurt.  Things continued downhill for a while, because her next message was some ominous warning about how the clock was ticking and time was running out for me.

But then, shockingly not even on "Black Friday," she offered me the lowest prices of the season on massage chairs.  I got four of them.  Are stalkers supposed to give ultimatums and set deadlines?  I don't know - I'm new to all this.  Her next email threatened me with missing out on the $20 gift card for each $100 in purchases if I failed to respond within two days.

She's an enigma, though.  I'm not sure what to make of "Why stop at decorating your tree?"  My tree?  I don't get it.  Is that some sort of double-entendré?  Her threats weren't empty, either.  I was, in fact, too late for the 30%-off Razor Scooter that draws chalk lines as it scoots.  Bummer.

Eventually, we got down to last chances and "final minutes," and then she was gone.  I haven't heard from her since this morning.  I wonder if she's moved on.  Strangely, I think I would miss her.  She does have a certain charm.  Oh well, I'm richer for the experience, I suppose.  Maybe her internet is down.

Wait - what's this about "Cyber Monday," Brook?       

Needless To Say...

One day in July 2012, [Maris] and I enjoyed a rare slow workday at our respective places of indentured servitude.  That we were both so caught-up on the same day was especially unusual.  When this happens, she often shares bits of internet ridiculousness (generally etiquette- or advice-site-related) with me as we email, I.M. or text back and forth.

[Maris] - Good morning.  meh.

Me - Hi!  meh.  How goes it?

[M] - Wow.  That's a huge disclaimer in my emails.  
It goes eh.  I try to maintain a positive attitude today, even though there are specific people who, when I IM them a question, instantly go offline.

Me - How rude!  I guess there really is no avoiding people like that, what with so many people being like that, nowadays.  *sigh*
I like you, though.  And I'm glad you like your men plump, because guess what!

[M] - I really don't, but are you pleasantly plump?
And I feel like sending a mass email like, "WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID???" but then they would all go "Oh no, it's not you - it's us," but they would be totally lying.  I won't, though.

Me -  I'm sad that we are not the popular kids.  And no, I wouldn't say that I'm pleasantly anything, but I shall try to hide in my work confinement crate and at least keep my unpleasantness to a minimum - and to myself.


[M] - If only I could think of something positive to say.

Me - Hmm...  The sun is shining and we have jobs.  There.  Also, I am hungry but as yet have eaten nothing.

[M] - You sound very positive.  You must have a plant near you!
I am not hungry, but feel like eating voraciously.  I hear it tastes like chicken.

Me -  Alas, I have no plant in my immediate vicinity.  That would be uncomfortable, I bet.
I could go for some voraciously nachos.

[M] - Voracious knids!
Here:
"A few years back, one of my very best mates got married to a swell chap.  Needless to say, the ceremony was beautiful."

Me -  Needless to say.
Let's use that all day, every day.  Needless to say, it will be fun.

[M] -  Needless to say it will be great fun and it will catch on and everyone else will do it too!
Needless to say, I am not quite sure what the following sentence means:
"My poor deceased mother is roiling."
Needless to say, lol.

Me -  Needless to say, mother was a pot of spaghetti sauce before she died.

[M] - Needless to say.  Or a storm cloud.

Me -  Needless to say, I'm listening to Ultravox.

[M] - Needless to say, you are funny.  New Ultravox?
Okay, i KID YOU NOT:
"To my surprise, 2 weeks later I received an email from Jen -- a 'Save the Date; Invitation to Follow' e-card for May 14th, 2008.  Needless to say, I was surprised." 

Me - Sweet Zombie Jesus!  Needless to say, I weep.

[M] -  I feel like sending Flying Spaghetti Monster decals to all these people.

Needless to say, I think I might grow weary of typing needless to say in every sentence.

Me - FSM decals to all the needless to say people?  Are they all from Kansas?  NTS - LOL!
I'm so tired of typing NTS, I've gone acronym!  DFH!

[M] - LOL!  NTS!
fooooooood.......
Should I feel insulted by this sentiment?  "...the kind of people that don't like kids and have really bad taste, but are inflexible.  You know the type?"

Me - Yes, that is an insult, but if they believe that not having kids and having bad taste go together as a "type," then nothing they say is going to carry much weight.  "You know the type - people who have kids and are tall..."

[M] -  Exactly.
Here - two different posts:
"When my mother opened the invitation, she called me on the phone and said 'You have to see this for yourself.'  Needless to say, I drove over immediately."
...and...
"Her gift to us was a card with $20 and an invitation to her wedding stuck in the card.  Needless to say, we didn't attend her wedding and gave her back the $20."

Me -  Oh, and the "BUT are inflexible" part boggles, too.  Are the kid-hating, bad-taste people normally very flexible?
And that $20 refund one - that's so NOT needless to say.  That's needed to say!  Say WHY!  WHY???  My day shall be ruined ("RU-eend"), thinking about that one.  Needless to say, if it weren't for my horse...**

[M] - Yes, needless to say, I don't think that I would be friends with the non-kid-hating flexible person with good taste.  Do all people with children have good taste?  Maybe they taste good with ketchup.
Horse.  lol

Me -  Word.
I think I feel a Needless To Say post coming on.  Actually, that would a good name for an entire blog.

[M] - Can you make my [shadow] FB status "Needless to say, this is my status!" - [Maris]?
Needless to say, my stomach is growling.

Me - Done!  And to your stomach, I say DFH - NTS.

** Refering to a Lewis Black bit wherein he overhears a young lady say "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."