I have been asked many times about hobo relationships. Were there female hoboes? Did they date fellow hoboes? Did they ever marry? What were their weddings like? Where did they register? What did they do for honeymoons? Now that I think about it, I've never been asked any of those questions. But I have wondered why no one's been asking. There are plenty of stories of hobo love. Here's a peek at just one.
The October 1932 wedding of Maria the Pumpkin-Patch Crooner and Pierre Tin-Hat was lightly attended, because it was raining. Rufus Caboose was their officiant, because he "liked God stuff," and could talk fast enough to get through the ceremony before the hobo congregants had time to get bored and wander off. Given the average hobo's miniscule attention span, this was no small feat. He got to the vows, which the bride and groom had written themselves, within ninety seconds.
"I, Pierre Tin-Hat, take thee, Maria the Pumpkin-Patch Crooner as my wedded drifter wife. I promise to give you half of my beans and all of my heart. I will protect you from vermin and police dogs, and let you wear my coat. I will not harshly criticize your singing, or your constant, obsessive searching for pumpkin patches. I will not yell at you, and I promise to share you only with my very best friends. This is my more or less sober vow."
[Long pause, during which Maria the Pumpkin-Patch Crooner stared at her groom, tears welling in her eyes, as Pierre Tin-Hat grinned sheepishly at her.]
"I, Maria the Pumpkin-Patch Crooner, take thee, Pierre Tin-Heart, to be my partner, my best friend, my love. I promise to help you with your crippling inability to read hobo signs. I will chop firewood when you are weak, which everyone knows is always. I will listen to you better than you listen to me. I will stand watch while you relieve yourself, so no one sees you and makes fun. I will walk beside you and remind you to look both ways before crossing. I promise not to bring you to any of the hundreds of pumpkin patches I have, um, visited before with other men. I'm sure eventually we can find at least one to call our own. I will mend your trousers when there is thread. I will not light your whiskey on fire unless I'm terribly, terribly cold. I will bear you no children, unless we can find nothing else to eat. Ha ha ha. But seriously, I'm barren. What? I thought you knew that. Sorry. I also promise to read to you from what's left of my Bible. I choose you, Pierre, and I will walk the length of the Union Pacific with you as together we weather life's storms. Also, yes, I will finally sleep with you. But you just mind your manners, mister! Oh, and I love you. Amen."
Showing posts with label Wedding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wedding. Show all posts
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Needless To Say...
One day in July 2012, [Maris] and I enjoyed a rare slow workday at our respective places of indentured servitude. That we were both so caught-up on the same day was especially unusual. When this happens, she often shares bits of internet ridiculousness (generally etiquette- or advice-site-related) with me as we email, I.M. or text back and forth.
[Maris] - Good morning. meh.
Me - Hi! meh. How goes it?
[M] - Wow. That's a huge disclaimer in my emails.
It goes eh. I try to maintain a positive attitude today, even though there are specific people who, when I IM them a question, instantly go offline.
Me - How rude! I guess there really is no avoiding people like that, what with so many people being like that, nowadays. *sigh*
I like you, though. And I'm glad you like your men plump, because guess what!
[M] - I really don't, but are you pleasantly plump?
And I feel like sending a mass email like, "WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID???" but then they would all go "Oh no, it's not you - it's us," but they would be totally lying. I won't, though.
Me - I'm sad that we are not the popular kids. And no, I wouldn't say that I'm pleasantly anything, but I shall try to hide in my work confinement crate and at least keep my unpleasantness to a minimum - and to myself.
[M] - If only I could think of something positive to say.
Me - Hmm... The sun is shining and we have jobs. There. Also, I am hungry but as yet have eaten nothing.
[M] - You sound very positive. You must have a plant near you!
I am not hungry, but feel like eating voraciously. I hear it tastes like chicken.
Me - Alas, I have no plant in my immediate vicinity. That would be uncomfortable, I bet.
I could go for some voraciously nachos.
[M] - Voracious knids!
Here:
"A few years back, one of my very best mates got married to a swell chap. Needless to say, the ceremony was beautiful."
Me - Needless to say.
Let's use that all day, every day. Needless to say, it will be fun.
[M] - Needless to say it will be great fun and it will catch on and everyone else will do it too!
Needless to say, I am not quite sure what the following sentence means:
"My poor deceased mother is roiling."
Needless to say, lol.
Me - Needless to say, mother was a pot of spaghetti sauce before she died.
[M] - Needless to say. Or a storm cloud.
Me - Needless to say, I'm listening to Ultravox.
[M] - Needless to say, you are funny. New Ultravox?
Okay, i KID YOU NOT:
"To my surprise, 2 weeks later I received an email from Jen -- a 'Save the Date; Invitation to Follow' e-card for May 14th, 2008. Needless to say, I was surprised."
Me - Sweet Zombie Jesus! Needless to say, I weep.
[M] - I feel like sending Flying Spaghetti Monster decals to all these people.
Needless to say, I think I might grow weary of typing needless to say in every sentence.
Me - FSM decals to all the needless to say people? Are they all from Kansas? NTS - LOL!
I'm so tired of typing NTS, I've gone acronym! DFH!
[M] - LOL! NTS!
fooooooood.......
Should I feel insulted by this sentiment? "...the kind of people that don't like kids and have really bad taste, but are inflexible. You know the type?"
Me - Yes, that is an insult, but if they believe that not having kids and having bad taste go together as a "type," then nothing they say is going to carry much weight. "You know the type - people who have kids and are tall..."
[M] - Exactly.
Here - two different posts:
"When my mother opened the invitation, she called me on the phone and said 'You have to see this for yourself.' Needless to say, I drove over immediately."
...and...
"Her gift to us was a card with $20 and an invitation to her wedding stuck in the card. Needless to say, we didn't attend her wedding and gave her back the $20."
Me - Oh, and the "BUT are inflexible" part boggles, too. Are the kid-hating, bad-taste people normally very flexible?
And that $20 refund one - that's so NOT needless to say. That's needed to say! Say WHY! WHY??? My day shall be ruined ("RU-eend"), thinking about that one. Needless to say, if it weren't for my horse...**
[M] - Yes, needless to say, I don't think that I would be friends with the non-kid-hating flexible person with good taste. Do all people with children have good taste? Maybe they taste good with ketchup.
Horse. lol
Me - Word.
I think I feel a Needless To Say post coming on. Actually, that would a good name for an entire blog.
[M] - Can you make my [shadow] FB status "Needless to say, this is my status!" - [Maris]?
Needless to say, my stomach is growling.
Me - Done! And to your stomach, I say DFH - NTS.
** Refering to a Lewis Black bit wherein he overhears a young lady say "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."
[Maris] - Good morning. meh.
Me - Hi! meh. How goes it?
[M] - Wow. That's a huge disclaimer in my emails.
It goes eh. I try to maintain a positive attitude today, even though there are specific people who, when I IM them a question, instantly go offline.
Me - How rude! I guess there really is no avoiding people like that, what with so many people being like that, nowadays. *sigh*
I like you, though. And I'm glad you like your men plump, because guess what!
[M] - I really don't, but are you pleasantly plump?
And I feel like sending a mass email like, "WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID???" but then they would all go "Oh no, it's not you - it's us," but they would be totally lying. I won't, though.
Me - I'm sad that we are not the popular kids. And no, I wouldn't say that I'm pleasantly anything, but I shall try to hide in my work confinement crate and at least keep my unpleasantness to a minimum - and to myself.
[M] - If only I could think of something positive to say.
Me - Hmm... The sun is shining and we have jobs. There. Also, I am hungry but as yet have eaten nothing.
[M] - You sound very positive. You must have a plant near you!
I am not hungry, but feel like eating voraciously. I hear it tastes like chicken.
Me - Alas, I have no plant in my immediate vicinity. That would be uncomfortable, I bet.
I could go for some voraciously nachos.
[M] - Voracious knids!
Here:
"A few years back, one of my very best mates got married to a swell chap. Needless to say, the ceremony was beautiful."
Me - Needless to say.
Let's use that all day, every day. Needless to say, it will be fun.
[M] - Needless to say it will be great fun and it will catch on and everyone else will do it too!
Needless to say, I am not quite sure what the following sentence means:
"My poor deceased mother is roiling."
Needless to say, lol.
Me - Needless to say, mother was a pot of spaghetti sauce before she died.
[M] - Needless to say. Or a storm cloud.
Me - Needless to say, I'm listening to Ultravox.
[M] - Needless to say, you are funny. New Ultravox?
Okay, i KID YOU NOT:
"To my surprise, 2 weeks later I received an email from Jen -- a 'Save the Date; Invitation to Follow' e-card for May 14th, 2008. Needless to say, I was surprised."
Me - Sweet Zombie Jesus! Needless to say, I weep.
[M] - I feel like sending Flying Spaghetti Monster decals to all these people.
Needless to say, I think I might grow weary of typing needless to say in every sentence.
Me - FSM decals to all the needless to say people? Are they all from Kansas? NTS - LOL!
I'm so tired of typing NTS, I've gone acronym! DFH!
[M] - LOL! NTS!
fooooooood.......
Should I feel insulted by this sentiment? "...the kind of people that don't like kids and have really bad taste, but are inflexible. You know the type?"
Me - Yes, that is an insult, but if they believe that not having kids and having bad taste go together as a "type," then nothing they say is going to carry much weight. "You know the type - people who have kids and are tall..."
[M] - Exactly.
Here - two different posts:
"When my mother opened the invitation, she called me on the phone and said 'You have to see this for yourself.' Needless to say, I drove over immediately."
...and...
"Her gift to us was a card with $20 and an invitation to her wedding stuck in the card. Needless to say, we didn't attend her wedding and gave her back the $20."
Me - Oh, and the "BUT are inflexible" part boggles, too. Are the kid-hating, bad-taste people normally very flexible?
And that $20 refund one - that's so NOT needless to say. That's needed to say! Say WHY! WHY??? My day shall be ruined ("RU-eend"), thinking about that one. Needless to say, if it weren't for my horse...**
[M] - Yes, needless to say, I don't think that I would be friends with the non-kid-hating flexible person with good taste. Do all people with children have good taste? Maybe they taste good with ketchup.
Horse. lol
Me - Word.
I think I feel a Needless To Say post coming on. Actually, that would a good name for an entire blog.
[M] - Can you make my [shadow] FB status "Needless to say, this is my status!" - [Maris]?
Needless to say, my stomach is growling.
Me - Done! And to your stomach, I say DFH - NTS.
** Refering to a Lewis Black bit wherein he overhears a young lady say "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."
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