Saturday, November 24, 2012

Needless To Say...

One day in July 2012, [Maris] and I enjoyed a rare slow workday at our respective places of indentured servitude.  That we were both so caught-up on the same day was especially unusual.  When this happens, she often shares bits of internet ridiculousness (generally etiquette- or advice-site-related) with me as we email, I.M. or text back and forth.

[Maris] - Good morning.  meh.

Me - Hi!  meh.  How goes it?

[M] - Wow.  That's a huge disclaimer in my emails.  
It goes eh.  I try to maintain a positive attitude today, even though there are specific people who, when I IM them a question, instantly go offline.

Me - How rude!  I guess there really is no avoiding people like that, what with so many people being like that, nowadays.  *sigh*
I like you, though.  And I'm glad you like your men plump, because guess what!

[M] - I really don't, but are you pleasantly plump?
And I feel like sending a mass email like, "WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID???" but then they would all go "Oh no, it's not you - it's us," but they would be totally lying.  I won't, though.

Me -  I'm sad that we are not the popular kids.  And no, I wouldn't say that I'm pleasantly anything, but I shall try to hide in my work confinement crate and at least keep my unpleasantness to a minimum - and to myself.

[M] - If only I could think of something positive to say.

Me - Hmm...  The sun is shining and we have jobs.  There.  Also, I am hungry but as yet have eaten nothing.

[M] - You sound very positive.  You must have a plant near you!
I am not hungry, but feel like eating voraciously.  I hear it tastes like chicken.

Me -  Alas, I have no plant in my immediate vicinity.  That would be uncomfortable, I bet.
I could go for some voraciously nachos.

[M] - Voracious knids!
"A few years back, one of my very best mates got married to a swell chap.  Needless to say, the ceremony was beautiful."

Me -  Needless to say.
Let's use that all day, every day.  Needless to say, it will be fun.

[M] -  Needless to say it will be great fun and it will catch on and everyone else will do it too!
Needless to say, I am not quite sure what the following sentence means:
"My poor deceased mother is roiling."
Needless to say, lol.

Me -  Needless to say, mother was a pot of spaghetti sauce before she died.

[M] - Needless to say.  Or a storm cloud.

Me -  Needless to say, I'm listening to Ultravox.

[M] - Needless to say, you are funny.  New Ultravox?
Okay, i KID YOU NOT:
"To my surprise, 2 weeks later I received an email from Jen -- a 'Save the Date; Invitation to Follow' e-card for May 14th, 2008.  Needless to say, I was surprised." 

Me - Sweet Zombie Jesus!  Needless to say, I weep.

[M] -  I feel like sending Flying Spaghetti Monster decals to all these people.

Needless to say, I think I might grow weary of typing needless to say in every sentence.

Me - FSM decals to all the needless to say people?  Are they all from Kansas?  NTS - LOL!
I'm so tired of typing NTS, I've gone acronym!  DFH!

[M] - LOL!  NTS!
Should I feel insulted by this sentiment?  "...the kind of people that don't like kids and have really bad taste, but are inflexible.  You know the type?"

Me - Yes, that is an insult, but if they believe that not having kids and having bad taste go together as a "type," then nothing they say is going to carry much weight.  "You know the type - people who have kids and are tall..."

[M] -  Exactly.
Here - two different posts:
"When my mother opened the invitation, she called me on the phone and said 'You have to see this for yourself.'  Needless to say, I drove over immediately."
"Her gift to us was a card with $20 and an invitation to her wedding stuck in the card.  Needless to say, we didn't attend her wedding and gave her back the $20."

Me -  Oh, and the "BUT are inflexible" part boggles, too.  Are the kid-hating, bad-taste people normally very flexible?
And that $20 refund one - that's so NOT needless to say.  That's needed to say!  Say WHY!  WHY???  My day shall be ruined ("RU-eend"), thinking about that one.  Needless to say, if it weren't for my horse...**

[M] - Yes, needless to say, I don't think that I would be friends with the non-kid-hating flexible person with good taste.  Do all people with children have good taste?  Maybe they taste good with ketchup.
Horse.  lol

Me -  Word.
I think I feel a Needless To Say post coming on.  Actually, that would a good name for an entire blog.

[M] - Can you make my [shadow] FB status "Needless to say, this is my status!" - [Maris]?
Needless to say, my stomach is growling.

Me - Done!  And to your stomach, I say DFH - NTS.

** Refering to a Lewis Black bit wherein he overhears a young lady say "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."


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