TOMORROW IS ELECTION DAY IN
THE US...
I know -- I was surprised,
too! It just sort of snuck up on us, huh? Somebody really should
tell us about these things beforehand. Anyway, I know I said "It Just Doesn't Matter," and
obviously I don't mean that whole-heartedly. It matters. It just
doesn't matter (HA!) as immediately and urgently as either side would have us
believe. We'll all still be here on Wednesday, and we'll all be pretty
much unchanged a year from Wednesday. Life will go on.
However, this does not
mean that I am not excited about Election Day. On the contrary - I am
positively vibrating with anticipation for tomorrow. It's like Christmas,
my birthday, New Year's Eve, the Super Bowl, Game Seven of the World Series, my
first beer, the 4th of July, my first night with that hot girl back in college
and the last day of school - all rolled into one. I'm about to leap
from my skin with excitement. Why?
YOU PROBABLY ALREADY
KNOW WHY...
I've got goosebumps,
just thinking of the next sentence...
I will once again be
able to watch TV - WITHOUT ANY POLITICAL ADS!! They've ruined my
TV-viewing experience for months - years, it seems. If we don't pass the
casino bill, there'll be no money for schools. If we do pass it, the
state will be ruined and there still won't be any money for schools. If
we let gay people marry, we'll all go to hell (or at least our marriages
will). If we don't let gay people get married, we're just like Hitler or
Iran. If Obama gets re-elected, there will be no jobs for ANYONE and
we'll all be poor. If Romney gets elected, there will be no jobs for
ANYONE and we'll all be poor. My opponent is lying. No, my opponent is lying.
Shut up, shut up, shut up,
S H U T U P
! ! !
You have pummelled and
harranged and beaten me until I really almost don't care what passes or who
wins, just so long as the horrid, torturous onslaught of lies (and yes, they
ALL contain lies) STOPS. I don't even watch that much TV, especially now
that baseball season is over. I have two sitcoms, one hour-long
zombie drama, one football game and a bunch of late-night cartoons per
week. I can't imagine what this year has been like for those of my friends
and family who watch a lot of TV. I shudder to think of it. By the
way - have you any idea how much good could have been done with the billions of
dollars spent on political campaigns, had they been spent elsewhere? How
many jobs could have been created? How much building and rebuilding and
helping and so on? Again, I shudder.
NOW IS THE TIME OF
REJOICING...
As we can go back to
enjoying our time-sucking entertainment boxes with the good, old-fashioned
lying ads we all know and love - the ones that just want us to buy up all of
Corporate America's wretched things. Oh, how I've missed the T-Mobile
girl and the GEICO lizard and Burger Chef & Jeff. And beer!
Remember those fun beer commercials? I'm telling you, this is gonna be
awesome!
GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY...
Frankly, without any
advertising airtime available for anything but politics, how were we supposed
to know what products to buy, or when the sales were? It's a wonder
anyone has sold anything, this year! Without our commercials, we just sat
there, yelling at our TVs or injuring our mute/last channel button fingers
every eleven minutes, and not buying anything. I expect we'll see some
record-breaking retail numbers, starting the day after the election, as we
start to get properly advertised at, once again.
WHOEVER WINS...
Will undoubtedly take
credit for this boost to the economy, and at this point, I don't care.
Let them. As long as they shut up and stay off of my poor TV.
We're in the middle of a
spectacular season of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
PS - Yes, my home phone
and my computer will be doing their own dances of joy, and for the same
reasons.
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