Monday, November 5, 2012

The Time Of Rejoicing Is Nigh Upon Us - Bring On The Commercials!


I know -- I was surprised, too!  It just sort of snuck up on us, huh?  Somebody really should tell us about these things beforehand.  Anyway, I know I said "It Just Doesn't Matter," and obviously I don't mean that whole-heartedly.  It matters.  It just doesn't matter (HA!) as immediately and urgently as either side would have us believe.  We'll all still be here on Wednesday, and we'll all be pretty much unchanged a year from Wednesday.  Life will go on.

However, this does not mean that I am not excited about Election Day.  On the contrary - I am positively vibrating with anticipation for tomorrow.  It's like Christmas, my birthday, New Year's Eve, the Super Bowl, Game Seven of the World Series, my first beer, the 4th of July, my first night with that hot girl back in college and the last day of school - all rolled into one.  I'm about to leap from my skin with excitement.  Why?


I've got goosebumps, just thinking of the next sentence...

I will once again be able to watch TV - WITHOUT ANY POLITICAL ADS!!  They've ruined my TV-viewing experience for months - years, it seems.  If we don't pass the casino bill, there'll be no money for schools.  If we do pass it, the state will be ruined and there still won't be any money for schools.  If we let gay people marry, we'll all go to hell (or at least our marriages will).  If we don't let gay people get married, we're just like Hitler or Iran.  If Obama gets re-elected, there will be no jobs for ANYONE and we'll all be poor.  If Romney gets elected, there will be no jobs for ANYONE and we'll all be poor. My opponent is lying.  No, my opponent is lying.  Shut up, shut up, shut up,

S H U T   U P ! ! !

You have pummelled and harranged and beaten me until I really almost don't care what passes or who wins, just so long as the horrid, torturous onslaught of lies (and yes, they ALL contain lies) STOPS.  I don't even watch that much TV, especially now that baseball season is over.  I have two sitcoms, one hour-long zombie drama, one football game and a bunch of late-night cartoons per week.  I can't imagine what this year has been like for those of my friends and family who watch a lot of TV.  I shudder to think of it.  By the way - have you any idea how much good could have been done with the billions of dollars spent on political campaigns, had they been spent elsewhere?  How many jobs could have been created?  How much building and rebuilding and helping and so on?  Again, I shudder.


As we can go back to enjoying our time-sucking entertainment boxes with the good, old-fashioned lying ads we all know and love - the ones that just want us to buy up all of Corporate America's wretched things.  Oh, how I've missed the T-Mobile girl and the GEICO lizard and Burger Chef & Jeff.  And beer!  Remember those fun beer commercials?  I'm telling you, this is gonna be awesome! 


Frankly, without any advertising airtime available for anything but politics, how were we supposed to know what products to buy, or when the sales were?  It's a wonder anyone has sold anything, this year!  Without our commercials, we just sat there, yelling at our TVs or injuring our mute/last channel button fingers every eleven minutes, and not buying anything.  I expect we'll see some record-breaking retail numbers, starting the day after the election, as we start to get properly advertised at, once again.


Will undoubtedly take credit for this boost to the economy, and at this point, I don't care.  Let them.  As long as they shut up and stay off of my poor TV.

We're in the middle of a spectacular season of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

PS - Yes, my home phone and my computer will be doing their own dances of joy, and for the same reasons.

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