The Time Of Rejoicing Is Nigh Upon Us - Bring On The Commercials!

TOMORROW IS ELECTION DAY IN THE US... 

I know -- I was surprised, too!  It just sort of snuck up on us, huh?  Somebody really should tell us about these things beforehand.  Anyway, I know I said "It Just Doesn't Matter," and obviously I don't mean that whole-heartedly.  It matters.  It just doesn't matter (HA!) as immediately and urgently as either side would have us believe.  We'll all still be here on Wednesday, and we'll all be pretty much unchanged a year from Wednesday.  Life will go on.

However, this does not mean that I am not excited about Election Day.  On the contrary - I am positively vibrating with anticipation for tomorrow.  It's like Christmas, my birthday, New Year's Eve, the Super Bowl, Game Seven of the World Series, my first beer, the 4th of July, my first night with that hot girl back in college and the last day of school - all rolled into one.  I'm about to leap from my skin with excitement.  Why?

YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW WHY... 

I've got goosebumps, just thinking of the next sentence...

I will once again be able to watch TV - WITHOUT ANY POLITICAL ADS!!  They've ruined my TV-viewing experience for months - years, it seems.  If we don't pass the casino bill, there'll be no money for schools.  If we do pass it, the state will be ruined and there still won't be any money for schools.  If we let gay people marry, we'll all go to hell (or at least our marriages will).  If we don't let gay people get married, we're just like Hitler or Iran.  If Obama gets re-elected, there will be no jobs for ANYONE and we'll all be poor.  If Romney gets elected, there will be no jobs for ANYONE and we'll all be poor. My opponent is lying.  No, my opponent is lying.  Shut up, shut up, shut up,

S H U T   U P ! ! !

You have pummelled and harranged and beaten me until I really almost don't care what passes or who wins, just so long as the horrid, torturous onslaught of lies (and yes, they ALL contain lies) STOPS.  I don't even watch that much TV, especially now that baseball season is over.  I have two sitcoms, one hour-long zombie drama, one football game and a bunch of late-night cartoons per week.  I can't imagine what this year has been like for those of my friends and family who watch a lot of TV.  I shudder to think of it.  By the way - have you any idea how much good could have been done with the billions of dollars spent on political campaigns, had they been spent elsewhere?  How many jobs could have been created?  How much building and rebuilding and helping and so on?  Again, I shudder.

NOW IS THE TIME OF REJOICING...

As we can go back to enjoying our time-sucking entertainment boxes with the good, old-fashioned lying ads we all know and love - the ones that just want us to buy up all of Corporate America's wretched things.  Oh, how I've missed the T-Mobile girl and the GEICO lizard and Burger Chef & Jeff.  And beer!  Remember those fun beer commercials?  I'm telling you, this is gonna be awesome! 

GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY...

Frankly, without any advertising airtime available for anything but politics, how were we supposed to know what products to buy, or when the sales were?  It's a wonder anyone has sold anything, this year!  Without our commercials, we just sat there, yelling at our TVs or injuring our mute/last channel button fingers every eleven minutes, and not buying anything.  I expect we'll see some record-breaking retail numbers, starting the day after the election, as we start to get properly advertised at, once again.

WHOEVER WINS...

Will undoubtedly take credit for this boost to the economy, and at this point, I don't care.  Let them.  As long as they shut up and stay off of my poor TV.

We're in the middle of a spectacular season of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

PS - Yes, my home phone and my computer will be doing their own dances of joy, and for the same reasons.

It Just Doesn't Matter, Wudy Da Wabbit! **

This is going to come as a bit of a shock to some of you, but I sometimes think about things apart from hoboes and zombies and prednisone.  I know!  Shocking!  I certainly feel shocked.  Tonight, let's pause for a moment and talk about next Tuesday - our great nation's general election.  I must disclose up front that I am a radical - almost militant - moderate, at heart, but that over the past 15 years or so I have been finding much less fault with the liberals than I have with the conservatives.  But fear not, friends of either political leaning - what follows might surprise you.

Now, I am fully-aware that most people have extremely strong, well-defined preferences when it comes to this Presidential election - extending in many cases to Congressional and even local races.  "If Romney wins, we're moving to Canada!"  "If Obama wins, we're moving to... to... well, somewhere conservative enough for us.  Iran, maybe."  I've been through those feelings.  I felt them in 2004 and a little in 2008.  Now, not so much.  Maybe I'm just old and tired, but at this point, I'm not going anywhere, no matter who wins.  You wanna know why?  Because, my friends...

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!  (please watch this clip - it will be the best thing you've seen since the campaign began in 2009)

I know there are profound differences in the beliefs and the practical approaches of the two Presidential candidates, but if you conservatives really believe Romney's posters when they tell you there will be "real change on day one," well, you're kind of an idiot.  And if you liberals honestly think that your life, your world, your country will be dramatically improved by Romney's defeat, you might want to just go ahead and prepare to be deeply disappointed.

Okay - I hear you out there, getting ready to turn away from this bleakly cynical sot and go find the latest news on the Kardashians, but before you go, I must tell you that I DO care.  I have a preference in this election.  I'm just saying that, unlike in 2004 and 2008, I'm not afraid of the other guy.  I still love my country, adolescent that it may be, right now.  But to borrow from Lewis Black, as he told us all at the DC Improv years ago while we screamed and cheered his arrival onstage - "Let's all just calm the fuck down."

**I have to admit, however, that it's easy for me to dismiss some of the more important aspects of this election.  I do not and will not have offspring who will have to live with whatever changes either President would manage to make in the next four (possibly eight) years.  I don't have a daughter who might wish to be in charge of her own body, should Romney win and replace some of our aging Supreme Court Justices with conservative ones.  I don't currently know of any gay friends or relatives who might wish to have the same rights as everyone else in the US.

I also don't know any conservatives (at least, I don't think I do) whose lives and marriages will be ruined by the thought of gays having rights.  I don't know very many millionaires, terrified at the thought of paying a higher tax rate than the one they currently pay.  And when it comes to that "ObamaCare" business, I don't worry too much about it.  I was screwed by the old system; I'll be screwed by the new system; I'll be screwed by whatever they replace it with, if it comes to that.  Screwed is screwed, right?

Okay, so it actually does kind of matter, and there will be implications of a Democratic win versus a Republican one.  But here's why I feel okay about this one - why it Just Doesn't Matter:  Neither side will be able to accomplish ANYTHING dramatic or sweeping.  Anything at all.  Remember when Bush couldn't get anything pushed through, from about 2003 through the end of his Presidency?  The Democrats in Congress managed to block his every move.  They'll do it again to Romney.  If Obama wins - same thing.  Nothing very big will get done.

That's just how our executive and legislative branches are wired, right now.  And it's not the end of the world.  The extremes are too extreme, so each side gives not a single inch.  Only the most basic, necessary things get done.  Given the ideological climate, that's probably a very good thing.  Keeps the US from doing anything too stupid.  It will loosen up, someday.  It has to.  It might get worse before it gets better, but as my mom likes to say, hey - we survived Nixon.

We'll be fine.  Neither of the applicants for this job is stupid.  Neither of them wants America to die. They have different ideas of how to proceed, neither of which is exactly right, but likewise neither will prove instantly fatal to our country.  So let's all just chill.

Before I sign off, I must go on record as saying that I GUARANTEE that our economy (GDP, employment etc.) will be in much better shape and continuing to improve in the next year or two.  No.  Matter.  Who.  Wins.  It's an economy - it really doesn't much care who is in the White House.

See?  It just doesn't matter.  Okay, it does - but not as much as you think it does, or as immediately as you might think.

Ugh - okay, that is some boring stuff.  I would simply delete all of the above, but I'm doing this blog-post-a-day-for-30-days challenge, and I don't have time to crank out another one before midnight.  Just go watch the clip again - it's Bill Murray in his prime.  

Next time - HOBOES!  (or maybe zombies)