Keeping Your Woman Happy In 5 Easy Steps

For No Reason

I'm often asked by no one just how it is that [Maris] and I have such a ridiculously, effortlessly, splendidly wonderful marriage.  Well, I would be asked that, if people could move past their shock and, in some cases, disappointment at the fact that we've made it beyond the year they all gave us - almost thirteen times over, at this point.  Let me tell you, it hasn't been easy.  Relationships are hard work.  Hahaha, what?  Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.  Rubbish!  Relationships can be hard work.  Ours is not.  Why is this so?  I've thought about this for a very long time - over an hour, now - and I've come up with the answer to that question.   

It boils down to five simple steps that any man can take to ensure his mate's happiness - and therefore a smooth and loving relationship.

1.  Be with the Right Person.  Notice I said "be with" and not "find."  Being with is easy.  Finding - I have no idea how to go about finding.  I know this sounds simplistic and easy for me to say and well, stupid, but it really is just about the only thing that makes it all go.  I've been in a few relationships, some of which were really good - one of which was a short marriage to a wonderful woman - and I can tell you that any one of them could have been made to work, but only [Maris] was - and is - the Right Person for me, making this the right relationship.

Now, before you even get started - yes, I know this is a ludicrously oversimplified view of relationships.  I'm only keeping it this way to make a point.  I hear so much bitching about lazy, immature husbands/boyfriends, and so much grumbling about nagging wives/girlfriends.  Power struggles,  conflicting interests, recurring arguments and on and on and on...  Here's the thing.  Some people need that.  Others can't stand it, and would rather die than fight.  When I say be with the Right Person, I'm not saying be with someone who never disagrees with you, any more than I'd say be with someone who is your total opposite.  I'm saying be on the same page.  If you both need to be with a complementary opposite, do that.  If you need to agree on as much as humanly possible, that's cool, too.  As long as you're both on the same page.  

2.  See #1.

3.  Grow up.  You can't know if your mate is right for you if you don't know yourself, and you can't know yourself - at least, not very well - until you grow up.  Sorry.  It is the way of things.

4.  Flowers.  Anniversary flowers, event flowers, "just because" flowers, and flower flowers.  Even flowers from the grocery store florist count, if you get them often enough.  Unless she hates flowers, in which case we can broaden this rule to "stuff she likes."  Find out what she likes, and DO THAT.  If she likes rummaging through the city dump, guess what.  If she enjoys GRILLED food every night, then get grilling, buddy.  If she likes lasers and electric guitars, do this:

(devil horns)

This is not rocket science.  Well, not if you've followed step #1.  I know that even in 2013, there are a lot of men who will scoff at that, and call me unpleasant words like "whipped."  This amuses me, because really, why wouldn't you want a happy woman?  They tend to be just SO much more fun than the unhappy ones.  Is it me?  It must be me.

5.  Understand and accept that happiness is never guaranteed.  No matter how perfect the match, no matter how meant it is to be, no one can be happy all the time.  If your mate is happy all the time, there is something wrong with him or her, and professional help should be sought immediately.  Just try to keep the naturally-occurring bits of unhappiness to a reasonable minimum, fight against the external forces of meh as a team, and follow the steps above to ensure that said unhappy bits are not your fault.  Actually, they can be your fault every once in a great while - it happens.  Also, remember that happiness is a journey, not a destination.  This is true when one is alone, and so too is it the case with couples.  It sounds simple, I know - like a cheesy motivational poster at work - but it is absolutely true.  You never arrive at happy.  You either are or you aren't. 

There.  If you study these simple steps, practice hard, and send 10 new visitors to my blog, you too can have a happy woman.   Wow - relationship advice is easy!

Finally, if all else fails, there's a secret bonus step...

6.  Marry [Maris].  Ha!  Too late!  Mine, mine, mine!  Seriously, though - being with the Right One really does make all of the above just ridiculously easy.

This post started around the idea of how my wife's love of GRILLED food plays right to one of my strengths.  It was prompted by my amazing fellow bloggers at  STUDIO THIRTY PLUS.

 

That Thankfulness Thing

Throughout November, many of my Facebook friends have been posting each day the things for which they are thankful.  I didn't get that memo in time, so I haven't been doing it.  Last night, my mother had what turned out to be a very small stroke - kind of like a stroke warning shot.  She's doing quite well, despite a long, sleepless night in a busy hospital, and for that I am extremely grateful.  It made me wish I had been doing the thanksgiving thing on Facebook, but those of you who know me will know that that kind of thing just isn't my style.

So.  Here's my solution.  I'm going to put all 30 of my November thankfulnesses right here, right now.  Obviously, I am aware of how boring that sounds, but fear not, for I will be sure to Joe it up for you.  And lest you think that I don't care about any of the important things in life -- it goes without saying that I am abundantly grateful for my awesome soulmate [Maris], for our families and our relatively good health, our jobs and the roofs over all our heads.  What else is there, right?

Well, I am immensely thankful for...

1.  Charlie Day, Rob McElhenney, Glen Howerton, Kaitlin Olson and Danny DeVito, collectively.  "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" is still the funniest show on TV.  Its annual return makes autumn life worth living.

2.  The supposedly benign nature of the ringing in my ear.  "It's nothing we can or need to do anything about, Joe.  Just tell your friends you have the same condition that affects Pete Townshend, and that you have it for more or less the same reason.  That'll be $600, please - and don't act like you can't hear me, because I know that you can."

3.  The end of Daylight Saving Time.  An extra hour of drinking and watching cartoons.  What more need I say?

4.  Three words:  Wal.  King.  Dead.  "The Walking Dead" is about so much more than zombies.  It's about the human condition pushed into uncharted territory.  It's about relationships.  It's about teamwork.  It's... It's... It's about zombies.  And it's just the bee's knees.

5 .  My 12 1/2-year old car (my "snow car") passed its emissions test!  I wasn't surprised, but I am thankful.

6.  The fact that I live in a country where we regularly elect our leaders, and I took part in that process.  Also - NO MORE POLITICAL ADS interfering with my enjoyment of TV, radio and the interwebs!!

7.  An election in which most of the candidates and ballot questions I favored actually won.  Of course, I realize that  it really Doesn't Matter (much), but it feels good to root for winners, once in a while.

8.  Leftover Chinese food.

9.  Mom's immediate realization that something stroke-like was happening, and her quick actions leading to treatment.  Of course, she did stop and feed the cat before the ambulance arrived, but still.  She and modern medicine most certainly kept a bad thing from becoming a tragic thing.  Of course, if she had a dog, she might have been warned before it even happened.  Cats just look at you and say "where's my dinner?"

10.  Mexican Coke.  No, not the illegal drug.  Do they even produce cocaine in Mexico?  I don't want to know.  No, I'm talking about the Coca-Cola - made in Mexico - that my grocery store has been selling lately.  It's in the classic greenish glass bottle, and it's made with real cane sugar instead of high-fructose corn syrup.  It's just better, rum or no rum, and it totally adds life.

11.  Box turtles.  They don't give you a hard time about ANYthing.

12.  The five-second rule.  I'm talking to you, taco-flavored Dorito.

13.  Cool lights and lasers from Spencer's Gifts.

14.  The way my new (less old) car tells me to watch out for ice when it's cold outside.  She's always looking out for me.  I should wash the poor thing more often.

15.  The waitress at Dogfish Head Alehouse who calls [Maris] simply "Mountain Dew!"

16.  1981.  Seriously, that year changed EVERYthing.

17.  Rum.  How can we not include rum on this list.  I love it, and it loves me.  And I live in Maryland, so that's totally legal, now.  That doesn't make sense?  Sorry!

18.  The smell of a t-shirt with a freshly ironed-on decal at a beach-side souvenir shop.  Bonus points for shirts featuring Chewbacca or Fonzie.  Do not attempt to replicate this aroma at home with your own iron.  It will not work.

19.  Mute buttons.  But really, what kind of button isn't mute?

20.  The fact that I once slammed the door in Robin Ficker's face, saying little more than "Aaahh!"  I'm mainly thankful for this for how it amused (and to this day continues to amuse) [Maris].  She was off to the side, and saw only a hand and a brochure thrust through our doorway, and she heard only "Hi, I'm Rob--" (SLAM!).

21.  My own discomfort at seeing other people's reaction to my eyes, when one is green and the other blue.  It gives me hope that maybe, just perhaps, I am human after all.

22.  Windows Vista.  Hahaha - just kidding - it's the WORST.

23.  Catalytic converters.  Not sure what it is that they do, but I'm thankful for them just the same.

24.  Flowers.  They make [Maris] so happy.  What could be easier?

25.  Legs.  Yep.  Legs.

26.  Flea-flickers.  Not so much the ones that get Joe Theismann's leg broken, but otherwise, they're awesome.

27.  Getting to sixth gear in my car.  My daily commute is so short (thankfully) that I can sometimes go a week or more without getting all the way through the gearbox.

28.  The fact that, despite Life being A Rock, The Radio Rolled Me.

29.  Rum.  What?

30.  I live in a place that is still mostly devoid of zombies.  I know that I wouldn't last five minutes in such a world.