The Not At All Surprising Outcome of Booper O'Montauk's Loan Application

Arthur Higgins Moneybottom III
Loan Officer
4th Bank of Sand Patch Grade
Cumberland, Maryland

October 5th, 1937

Booper O'Montauk
The Woods
Near the Catoctin Tunnel, Maryland



Dear Mr. O'Montauk,

     I regret to inform you that this institution has denied your application for a loan in the amount of $125.  There are two reasons for this decision.

First, I must emphasize that neither your business plan nor your proposed product are to blame.  On the contrary, we have no doubt that the public would be willing to buy your "Fluff of Happiness."  However, the product sample which you provided was determined to be nothing more than ordinary pocket lint, albeit a very large and especially fluffy specimen.  It did not bring happiness to any of the bankers who handled it.  In fact, despite your claim that it would "stay happy, even when wet" proved untrue, as the fluff was found to rapidly dissolve when exposed to rain.  In time, with the proper improvements, your invention may yet be a successful product.  

However, I find some fault with your motives.  I appreciate that the untimely loss of your parents - one to a sink hole in the park, and the other to a brain injury resulting from the attack of an especially territorial and aggressive starling - must have been devastatingly traumatic for you.  

I am moved by your story of woe, of toil and travel along the hard road of the hobo, of shoeless winters and shadeless summers.
Further, I know all too well how consuming an unrequited love can be.  This young woman you describe so glowingly in your loan application is, as you pointed out, betrothed to a man of considerable means, a man beloved by all who know him, by all accounts, a good man.  So your plan to prove your worth, to outshine him by working harder, by bringing your "Fluff of Happiness" to the world, thereby stealing the attention and affections of his fiancée is, at best, misguided.  I cannot grant a loan in support of such an endeavor.

I do wish you the best of luck, young man.

Sincerely,

A.H. Moneybottom III


Another doubly-prompted post (triply-prompted, if you count the hobo name itself)!  This one combines the Studio 30 Plus prompt, "Fluff of Happiness," from The Innerzone's post BOYS with the Light and Shade Challenge prompt "Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove," a Terry Pratchett quote.



 

Keeping Your Woman Happy In 5 Easy Steps

For No Reason

I'm often asked by no one just how it is that [Maris] and I have such a ridiculously, effortlessly, splendidly wonderful marriage.  Well, I would be asked that, if people could move past their shock and, in some cases, disappointment at the fact that we've made it beyond the year they all gave us - almost thirteen times over, at this point.  Let me tell you, it hasn't been easy.  Relationships are hard work.  Hahaha, what?  Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.  Rubbish!  Relationships can be hard work.  Ours is not.  Why is this so?  I've thought about this for a very long time - over an hour, now - and I've come up with the answer to that question.   

It boils down to five simple steps that any man can take to ensure his mate's happiness - and therefore a smooth and loving relationship.

1.  Be with the Right Person.  Notice I said "be with" and not "find."  Being with is easy.  Finding - I have no idea how to go about finding.  I know this sounds simplistic and easy for me to say and well, stupid, but it really is just about the only thing that makes it all go.  I've been in a few relationships, some of which were really good - one of which was a short marriage to a wonderful woman - and I can tell you that any one of them could have been made to work, but only [Maris] was - and is - the Right Person for me, making this the right relationship.

Now, before you even get started - yes, I know this is a ludicrously oversimplified view of relationships.  I'm only keeping it this way to make a point.  I hear so much bitching about lazy, immature husbands/boyfriends, and so much grumbling about nagging wives/girlfriends.  Power struggles,  conflicting interests, recurring arguments and on and on and on...  Here's the thing.  Some people need that.  Others can't stand it, and would rather die than fight.  When I say be with the Right Person, I'm not saying be with someone who never disagrees with you, any more than I'd say be with someone who is your total opposite.  I'm saying be on the same page.  If you both need to be with a complementary opposite, do that.  If you need to agree on as much as humanly possible, that's cool, too.  As long as you're both on the same page.  

2.  See #1.

3.  Grow up.  You can't know if your mate is right for you if you don't know yourself, and you can't know yourself - at least, not very well - until you grow up.  Sorry.  It is the way of things.

4.  Flowers.  Anniversary flowers, event flowers, "just because" flowers, and flower flowers.  Even flowers from the grocery store florist count, if you get them often enough.  Unless she hates flowers, in which case we can broaden this rule to "stuff she likes."  Find out what she likes, and DO THAT.  If she likes rummaging through the city dump, guess what.  If she enjoys GRILLED food every night, then get grilling, buddy.  If she likes lasers and electric guitars, do this:

(devil horns)

This is not rocket science.  Well, not if you've followed step #1.  I know that even in 2013, there are a lot of men who will scoff at that, and call me unpleasant words like "whipped."  This amuses me, because really, why wouldn't you want a happy woman?  They tend to be just SO much more fun than the unhappy ones.  Is it me?  It must be me.

5.  Understand and accept that happiness is never guaranteed.  No matter how perfect the match, no matter how meant it is to be, no one can be happy all the time.  If your mate is happy all the time, there is something wrong with him or her, and professional help should be sought immediately.  Just try to keep the naturally-occurring bits of unhappiness to a reasonable minimum, fight against the external forces of meh as a team, and follow the steps above to ensure that said unhappy bits are not your fault.  Actually, they can be your fault every once in a great while - it happens.  Also, remember that happiness is a journey, not a destination.  This is true when one is alone, and so too is it the case with couples.  It sounds simple, I know - like a cheesy motivational poster at work - but it is absolutely true.  You never arrive at happy.  You either are or you aren't. 

There.  If you study these simple steps, practice hard, and send 10 new visitors to my blog, you too can have a happy woman.   Wow - relationship advice is easy!

Finally, if all else fails, there's a secret bonus step...

6.  Marry [Maris].  Ha!  Too late!  Mine, mine, mine!  Seriously, though - being with the Right One really does make all of the above just ridiculously easy.

This post started around the idea of how my wife's love of GRILLED food plays right to one of my strengths.  It was prompted by my amazing fellow bloggers at  STUDIO THIRTY PLUS.