Obsidian Jade Black At The Needful Things Curiosity Shoppe

 

Caveat emptor! If you fall in, you won't be back. Photo by Joe

Olivia Jane "OJ" Black stared at her prospective customer for as long as she possibly could without pushing him across the invisible and razor-thin line that divides "puzzled" from "irritated." This was a line with which she was quite familiar, as she basically lived on it. It was September 2023, four months after her graduation from college with her "Bachelor's of Taking Up Space and Time," also known in bourgeois circles as Business Administration - and four months since she'd become a full-time employee at Needful Things, a thrift and weird stuff shop. 

"Hey, Darqueness?" she called across the store. 

"OJ..." her boss, the owner, said. She hated that he could scold her with just her name, like her parents used to. She had met him four years ago at her family's YARD SALE, right before she left for school, promising as she departed that she would return to marry him and rescue him from this life. She hadn't done that - yet - not because he was ten years older than she, but because she had "accidentally obtained a boyfriend," during her senior year, and she was still waiting for him to disappoint her.

"Sorry - Mr. O'Hauntington?" she called again.

"Brian, OJ," he corrected, approaching her "Curiosity Shoppe" section of the store, "Just Brian, please. What's up?"

"Sorry, Just Brian Please, do we have any more of these Halloween wreath thingies in the back? This one has, what was it?" she turned to her customer, a short and plump balding man with glasses and a t-shirt emblazoned with a reproduction of the first "Superman" comic.

"Too many bats," the man said.

"Yes. That." OJ pointed at the man and gave her boss an eyes-half-lidded look that said, look - he said it, not me!

"I'm sorry, we don't," Brian said to the man in his best customer service voice. "They all have the same number of bats, but they're just tied to the twigs of the wreath with little nylon strings. You could easily take any number of them off..."

"That's what I said!" OJ insisted.

"I was hoping not to have to do that," the man said, disappointed. "I'll give it some thought. I may be back." He turned and headed for the exit.

"Great," Brian customer serviced after him. "We're open 'til nine."

"Have a curious day!" OJ said cheerfully. Too cheerfully. Kind of sarcastically, as a matter of fact.

"Don't do that," Brian said. "I've been cool with your signature blacker than black wardrobe and your gothy-even-though-you-refuse-to-call-it-that makeup. But sarcasm doesn't sell."

"It's the 'Vat Of Acid' episode in a cup!" Photo by Joe

"Don't be mad, O light of my dark, dark heart," she cooed, still fairly snarkily. "I've sold three of those skull & crossbones ice cube trays today using nothing but sarcasm. Well, to be honest, one of those sales was thanks to my describing it to this high school guy as the 'Vat Of Acid' episode in a cup. Oh - and one might have had something to do with my brushing the customer's arm with my boob - totally by accident..."

"Dude!"

"I said it was an accident," she lied, "but I do love it so, when you call me dude."

"Stop. I told you, as long as I'm your boss - and you have a boyfriend - there should be none of that flirty stuff."

"What flirty stuff, sweetie?" she asked, disappointed that he wasn't looking when she fluttered her black, black lashes at him.

"Stop. I'm going in the back for a minute. Can you keep an eye on the main register for me?"

She saluted goofily. "Oh hey - while you're back there, can you see if we have any more of these 3-D pin art board thingies? Some kids were playing with them, and now they're all stuck like this." She held up one of the little stress toys for his inspection...

"It's stuck." Photo by Joe

"Dude!" Brian shook his head, working hard not to smile. "A - I know you did that, B - they're not stuck, C - Smooth them all out, please. I'll be right back."

"Dude," she whispered as she reset all the pin art boards, "I'm totally going to marry that guy. I don't care what my boyfriend says..."

Ten Things Without Which...

Hello, Reader(s)!

It's been a while since I did a real bloggy blog post, so tonight, good people, let's get bloggy.  If you know me, you know that I like to complain.  It's one of the things I do best.  I guess you could say I'm a natural.  But it's not ALL I do.  I don't want it to define me.  So here's a list, in no particular order, of

TEN THINGS, WITHOUT WHICH I WOULD LOATHE THIS PLANET

One:  Steve Martin.  Not so much Steve Martin the actor, although even in that regard, he's more skilled than you might think - despite the veritable plethora of sub-par roles he has played, over the years.  Not even so much Steve Martin the stand-up comedian.  Don't get me wrong - he was a genius on stage, and he revolutionized the business.  

When I say the world is a better place because of him, I'm talking first about the writer - a gifted, surprisingly-thoughtful voice who can turn comedy into tragedy and vice-versa.  Second, I speak of the person - at least what we in the public get to see of him.  He's generally the smartest person in any room, but will only admit it when it's funny to do so.  He's a study in restraint, and especially over the past couple of decades, his public persona reminds me of my father.  But above all else, he improves the planet with his banjo-playing.  He's self-taught, I believe, and masterful. 

Two:  Common Sense.  The fact that it is so breathtakingly close to extinction only serves to make it that much more precious and inspiring, when encountered.  

Three:  Animals - particularly wild ones - and the people who fight for them.  Pretty self-explanatory, that one.  Every time we allow another species to become relegated to a captive-only population - or to the history books - the planet becomes a little less good.  And yes, I know that some species, without any human impacts whatsoever, would still disappear on their own, but we've reached the point where that's well-nigh impossible.

Four:  Trains.  I like trains.  In most of the world, they are vitally important, but even in the U.S., they're pretty cool.  To look at a railroad track is to look at a continuum of the history of the industrial age.  Also, hoboes!

Five:  Intoxicants.  From alcohol to Xanax, and everything in-between, when used properly, intoxicants make the world a better place.  Hydrocodone, rum, beer, wine - all great tools, in the right hands.  Sexually-produced pheromones and endorphins - hell, don't forget runner's high!  Tell me the planet wouldn't suck without them.  Granted, we as a species are working overtime to prove that we're about as capable of responsibly handling these chemicals as we are our guns, money, and cars, but still.  Planet-enhancing stuff!

Six:  White Noise.  For those who can't do the intoxicants, or for the times when the intoxicants just aren't a viable option, white noise can be almost as good.  It's like a sonic coffee filter; on one side - gunk, and on the other, heaven/magic/nirvana.  I know some people can't stand white noise, so for them, number six is Silence.  Ahhh....

Seven:  [Maris].  She had to be on this list.  A planet without [Maris]?  Yeah - I would loathe that place, for it would be beyond shitty.  'Nuff said.

Eight:  Sarcasm.  (see number seven)

Nine:  Justin Timberlake.  I don't want to hear it.  Number nine is Justin Timberlake.  Deal with it.  Okay, then - Jennifer Lawrence.  Young, funny, smart, gifted people who manage to at least come off as relatively genuine.  Come on - what's not to like?

Ten:  People Who Are Nicer Than They Ought To Be.  You know the ones.  They comfort others when their own loved ones die.  They smile through the broken teeth of poverty.  They suffer mind-boggling injury, injustice, heartbreak, and just plain bad luck, and still forgive and help and encourage others.  I had Nelson Mandela in mind when I started this one, because he forgave a world of stuff I could never have forgiven - we all know the story.  But I kind of think that people that great aren't the ones I'm talking about, here.  

Oh super - now I can't think of any.  Well, hopefully the point is made.  There are people - lots of them - whose circumstances would turn most of us into bitter husks, but who somehow continue to be forces for good in the world.  The absence of those individuals would ruin this planet, and make me loathe it.

This list is far from complete.  There are whole bunches of things about which I cannot complain.  I figure, if I need to be reminded of that fact, maybe someone out there reading this might, too.  If not, that's cool.  (see number eight)

This here post was prompted by my friends at Studio Thirty Plus, whose prompts for this week are "LOATHE" and/or "PLANET."