Conclave: The Indictment of Waldorf and Statler

Chairman:  The Council will come to order.  We are here convened this 22nd day of February, in the year of our lord 2015 to indict the accused here before us--

Joe:  Objection!

Chair:  You may not object, sir.  This is not a trial.

Joe:  Then what's this business about indicting us?  Don't you mean something more like, "to consider the indictment of?"  Plus - 2015, I can assure you, is NOT a lord's year.

Chair:  Oh, Mister Scott.  So cute.  Rest assured that by the end of these proceedings, even you would have no choice but to indict you.  And don't mess with "in the year of our lord."  The lord is bigger than the both of us.  Now, sit down.

Joe:  Whoa - what happened to the separation of church and state?

Chair (shaking head, laughing):  Oh, Mister Scott, Mister Scott, Mister Scott.  They were right; you are funny.  

Joe:  Whatever.  I have to admit that it will be nice to finally get to hear the crime of which we are accused.

Chair:  Indicted.

Joe:  Not yet!

Chair:  It's a foregone conclusion.

Joe:  Seriously?

Chair:  Yes.

Joe:  Okay.  To reiterate, and with all due respect to the Council - which is no respect at all - whatever.

Clerk:  You are hearby formally charged with doing it wrong.

Joe:  You spelled hereby wrong.

Clerk:  What?

Joe:  It's spelled h-e-r-e-b-y, not--

Clerk:  Sir, I am speaking.  There is no spelling - right or wrong.

Joe:  It sounded misspelled, to me.

Clerk:  Shut up.

Chair:  Okay, okay.  Order, please.  Let's get this over with.  I have a 1:30 tee time.

Joe:  And I have to meet [Maris] at Dogfish Head while it's still happy hour.

Chair:  Count One.  It has been reported that you and [Maris] - if that is her real name...

Joe:  It's not.

Chair:  Anyway... Count One - you finish each other's sentences.

Joe:  Millions of people do that.

Chair:  You finish each other's weird sentences.  When you first started dating, it was cute.  Almost two decades later, it's annoying.  No one else gets it.

Joe:  Weird?  Weird how?

Vice-Chair:  On December 19th, 2014, speaking about the disastrous roll-out of your employer's new lockbox vendor, you said, "It's not like I was expecting  this process to be all..." and [Maris] immediately said, "rainbow sparkle purple bunny pancakes."

Joe:  Yes.  I remember that.  Friday night.  Shots, chips, salsa, and venting.

Chair:  And you knew what she meant?

Joe:  Of course.  She was finishing my sentence.

Chair:  You were going to say "rainbow sparkle purple bunny pancakes?"

Joe:  How else would I finish that sentence?  I'd say Count One is kind of bogus, sir.

Chair:  Moving on.  Count Two:  Hand-holding, especially in public venues.

Joe:  Seriously?  Hand-holding?  We don't do that.

Vice Chair places a twenty-by-thirty inch mounted print on an exhibit easel:

Busted.  Photo by Mary Wiecek, Joe's favorite sister.

Joe:  You can't prove that's us. 

Chair:  And you do it all the time.  You're both way too old for such displays.  Count Three:  We have obtained the following testimony from a Mr. Godfrey O. Ozzenbarq III - if that is is real name:

"Truth Be Told... you and Curvy Scott do dig each other, do still duck in and talk low and witty and flirty and mocking (who wouldn't mock my hat, wrist-sandals or homemade Raisinets?), and are not in the least sick of each other's clammy lighthouse stink... even after your coastal historical structure search and kinky spike-booted dominatrix submission sessions (by J.Mac) in seedy, "independently operated" Texas and Florida bed bug farms.  We, the other 2 peeps who like each other, We Salute You.  (Cue cannon fire etc.)"

Joe:  It is not real name, and that's not testimony - that's an email!  You hacked my email!  Can you produce a warrant for that invasion of my privacy?

Chair:

Joe:  I didn't think so.  Maybe you're the one who deserves an indictment.

Vice-Chair:  YOU'RE an indictment!

Chair:  Order!  Order!  One more.  Count Four:  It has been said that you and [Maris] do not work at your marriage.  Marriage is hard work.  There's fighting.  You complain about each other. You argue.  You compromise.  You two, it seems, do none of that.  It's lazy.  It's offensive to the rest of us, out here putting in the work to keep it together, and it's just plain wrong. 

Joe:  I refuse to accept that that is a crime, and I will not apologize for it.  We can't help it.  Life's too short, and we really just don't have the time or patience for all of that.  I am on her side, and she's on mine.

Chair:  Council?  All in favor of indictment?

Council (in unanimous unison):  Aye.

Joe:  Aw, nuts.



It's been a while.  This comes in belated response to the writing prompt Conclave and/or Council, from my writer friends at STUDIO 30 PLUS.
 

Ten Things Without Which...

Hello, Reader(s)!

It's been a while since I did a real bloggy blog post, so tonight, good people, let's get bloggy.  If you know me, you know that I like to complain.  It's one of the things I do best.  I guess you could say I'm a natural.  But it's not ALL I do.  I don't want it to define me.  So here's a list, in no particular order, of

TEN THINGS, WITHOUT WHICH I WOULD LOATHE THIS PLANET

One:  Steve Martin.  Not so much Steve Martin the actor, although even in that regard, he's more skilled than you might think - despite the veritable plethora of sub-par roles he has played, over the years.  Not even so much Steve Martin the stand-up comedian.  Don't get me wrong - he was a genius on stage, and he revolutionized the business.  

When I say the world is a better place because of him, I'm talking first about the writer - a gifted, surprisingly-thoughtful voice who can turn comedy into tragedy and vice-versa.  Second, I speak of the person - at least what we in the public get to see of him.  He's generally the smartest person in any room, but will only admit it when it's funny to do so.  He's a study in restraint, and especially over the past couple of decades, his public persona reminds me of my father.  But above all else, he improves the planet with his banjo-playing.  He's self-taught, I believe, and masterful. 

Two:  Common Sense.  The fact that it is so breathtakingly close to extinction only serves to make it that much more precious and inspiring, when encountered.  

Three:  Animals - particularly wild ones - and the people who fight for them.  Pretty self-explanatory, that one.  Every time we allow another species to become relegated to a captive-only population - or to the history books - the planet becomes a little less good.  And yes, I know that some species, without any human impacts whatsoever, would still disappear on their own, but we've reached the point where that's well-nigh impossible.

Four:  Trains.  I like trains.  In most of the world, they are vitally important, but even in the U.S., they're pretty cool.  To look at a railroad track is to look at a continuum of the history of the industrial age.  Also, hoboes!

Five:  Intoxicants.  From alcohol to Xanax, and everything in-between, when used properly, intoxicants make the world a better place.  Hydrocodone, rum, beer, wine - all great tools, in the right hands.  Sexually-produced pheromones and endorphins - hell, don't forget runner's high!  Tell me the planet wouldn't suck without them.  Granted, we as a species are working overtime to prove that we're about as capable of responsibly handling these chemicals as we are our guns, money, and cars, but still.  Planet-enhancing stuff!

Six:  White Noise.  For those who can't do the intoxicants, or for the times when the intoxicants just aren't a viable option, white noise can be almost as good.  It's like a sonic coffee filter; on one side - gunk, and on the other, heaven/magic/nirvana.  I know some people can't stand white noise, so for them, number six is Silence.  Ahhh....

Seven:  [Maris].  She had to be on this list.  A planet without [Maris]?  Yeah - I would loathe that place, for it would be beyond shitty.  'Nuff said.

Eight:  Sarcasm.  (see number seven)

Nine:  Justin Timberlake.  I don't want to hear it.  Number nine is Justin Timberlake.  Deal with it.  Okay, then - Jennifer Lawrence.  Young, funny, smart, gifted people who manage to at least come off as relatively genuine.  Come on - what's not to like?

Ten:  People Who Are Nicer Than They Ought To Be.  You know the ones.  They comfort others when their own loved ones die.  They smile through the broken teeth of poverty.  They suffer mind-boggling injury, injustice, heartbreak, and just plain bad luck, and still forgive and help and encourage others.  I had Nelson Mandela in mind when I started this one, because he forgave a world of stuff I could never have forgiven - we all know the story.  But I kind of think that people that great aren't the ones I'm talking about, here.  

Oh super - now I can't think of any.  Well, hopefully the point is made.  There are people - lots of them - whose circumstances would turn most of us into bitter husks, but who somehow continue to be forces for good in the world.  The absence of those individuals would ruin this planet, and make me loathe it.

This list is far from complete.  There are whole bunches of things about which I cannot complain.  I figure, if I need to be reminded of that fact, maybe someone out there reading this might, too.  If not, that's cool.  (see number eight)

This here post was prompted by my friends at Studio Thirty Plus, whose prompts for this week are "LOATHE" and/or "PLANET."



 

Our Superpowers

Joe:  If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?

[Maris]:  I didn't know you were recording.  I thought you were going to take notes.

Joe:  This is instead of taking notes.  I'll delete it when I'm done.

[Maris]:  I want... to be invisible.  So that no one would see me.

Joe:  That is how it usually...  Okay - so why would you like to be invisible?  

[Maris]:  So I could run around and do what I want and people couldn't find me.  And no one could see me.  And I could go where I want and do what I want and be what I want and I could eavesdrop on everybody's conversations!

Joe:  So, you wanna hear what other people are saying about you when you're not around?

[Maris]:  Yes!  And what they're saying about other people when I'm not around.

Joe:  What if it's bad?

[Maris]:  Maybe E.S.P. would be good... No, I'd rather be invisible... I don't care if it's bad - that's why I wanna know.

Joe:  So, what else do you want to do besides hear what people are saying about you?

[Maris]:  Do stuff without anybody talking to me.

Joe:  Like... shopping?

[Maris]:  I don't know - just get stuff done.

Joe:  So basically, the power that you really want is the power to be... not bothered.

[Maris]:  Yes!  Cone of silen-- No, not cone of silence...

Joe:  Cone of invisibility.

[Maris]:  Mmm...

Joe:  So... Not so much invisibility so that you can like, steal stuff, or sneak into the boys' locker room, but just so you can... be left alone. 

[Maris]:  Yes.  Just so I can be nosy and hear stuff without having to talk to people.

Joe:  Okay.

[Maris]:  'Cause no one understands me anyway, and everyone misinterprets everything I say, so it'd be easier just to chop that out of the equation altogether.  

Joe:  So it would be like existing, without all the hassle of having others know that you exist.  Practically like how I live now, only without...

[Maris]:  Guilt...

Joe:  The pissing-off of others that frequently comes with being me.  
[Maris]:  Mm-hm.

Joe:  You get to exist without being bothered.  Okay.

[Maris]:  And your superpower?

Joe:  Well... I wanted to be able to go really, really, really fast, um... without time-dilation, because I'd like to see nebulas and-- nebuli?  

[Maris]:  Nebulasses!

Joe:  Nemeses... Um, and other galaxies and pulsars and stuff like that...

[Maris]:  That's much more interesting...

Joe:  ...without-- and then be able to come back and tell you about it - or we could both go - without coming back to earth and finding it a charred cinder.  'Cause you know, sucky as it is, it's... home.  

[Maris]:  That's much more fun.

Joe:  But that's kind of a superpower that requires other superpowers to make it work.  You can't just go fast.  You have to also be able to...

[Maris]:  Breathe...

Joe:  Yeah.  And be safe from outer space and have air and food and whatnot.  So, basically it's the power of infinitely-fast space travel without time-dilation...  OR... Time-travel!  Time-travel would be good.

[Maris]:  Especially if you're invisible.

Joe:  Yeah - the invisibility thing - that's pretty tempting, too.  Although I think if I heard what people said about me when I wasn't around, I wouldn't like it.

[Maris]:  Well, not just about me.  I just want to hear what's going on, because people don't tell me stuff, so this way I could find out stuff that I might need to know.  

Joe:  If you could combine time-travel and invisibility, you could go back and see what really happened at critical and controversial historical events, like the JFK assassination.  Find out what really happened.  Or, like what my best friend really did with Jenny that night when I was passed out, and...

[Maris]:  Invent Google.  Or Marilyn.

Joe:  Marilyn?

[Maris]:  What killed her.

Joe:  Oh.  Well, I assume Jedgar killed her.  

[Maris]:  She was a danger to the Presidency.

Joe:  HA!  . . . This is getting stupid . . .  Anyway, so there you go...

[Maris]:  Well, teleportation would be really awesome, because then you wouldn't have to commute.

Joe:  

[Maris]:  I would like a superpower to be able to make myself look like whatever I wanted to.  

Joe:  Like shape-shifting?

[Maris]:  Yes.  It could be... I could transform into someone else...

Joe:  I could shape-shift into Scarlett Johansson.

[Maris]: Um.  Well, yeah.  You could.

Joe:  Well, you know . . . for you.

[Maris]:  Uh-huh.

Joe:  That would be fun.

[Maris]:  Or the power to heal yourself.  

Joe:  (sigh)

[Maris]:  The superpower to keep yourself young, fit and beautiful - but not age - but not have people notice that you're not aging, so you'd have to shift into, you know, someone younger.  And then create identities, so they didn't lock you up.

Joe:  (snort)  Um...  That's a pretty hefty superpower.  If you can't explain your superpower in just a few words... It's kind of like Enron.  If you can't say in a sentence or two what you do, then you're probably illegal.  Huh.  So, okay...  You basically just want omnipotence.

[Maris]:  Yeah.  Omnipotence. ..