The 300... (...th Posting Of Drivel-y Bits To The Drivel-y Place)!

 The 300...

Islamorada, FL - Photo by Joe

300 times have I done this. I sit and stare at this screen and wonder, "What in THEE hell is wrong with me?" I'm not sure how to commemorate my 300th post. For POST #100, I shared the first sentence of each of the first 100 posts. Tedious, but the results were kind of cute, I guess. When it came time for my 200th POST, I spent hours stringing together the first word of the first post, the second word of the second post, and so on - all the way to 200. That post reads like the offspring of a fever dream and a dictionary on acid. For some reason, I felt compelled to mark my 250th POST with a "clip show" - not a true greatest hits collection; more of a random sampling of my first quarter-thousand posts. You're welcome to click on that one and then on the links within it, for old times' sake. I'll wait...

Did you go? I went. I even clicked on some of the links! One still mystifies me, and gives me an idea that isn't very good but when has that ever stopped me...

Presenting the Mostly Harmless Drivel 300th Post Awards! 

• Most Viewed Post: I still don't know why, but CARDBOARD & APATHY: A LOVE STORY is still my most-viewed post, by a LOT. I like it, but it's not that good. Some cute dialogue, a stupid ending, but what brought this post to so many screens? I just don't get it.
• Least Viewed Post: Okay - technically, a couple of the posts from this month are the least-viewed, but that's not fair. So, of the 270ish posts from before this month, the least-viewed is We'll Drink To That! And That! And That.... Brings back memories. [Maris] and I used to have shots and chips for dinner, and this post utterly FAILS to capture the fun and buzzy cleverness of those evenings and their toasts. I remember, though...
• Best Hobo: It's a tie! SANTA FE JINGLEBELL, THE WORLD'S MOST CHRISTMASSY TRAMP and JACK SKUNK will have to share this trophy. No matter - some fellow hobo will steal it within the first week. What can I say - I'm a sucker for a hobo with hope - and second chances.
• Worst Hobo: Wicked Paul Fourteen-Toes. Yeah, he's not very nice at all.
• Best Picture: 

  

  Jim Sees Me! Photo by Joe

  Okay, technically not my best picture, by a longshot, but it's got Jim and Charlie, and Jim's saying hey to me (or, "hey - put your phone down, mate!"), so I dig it. Also it's not the muddy Bart Simpson doll, for the dozenth time, and you're welcome!
• Author's Least Favorite Post: [Deleted]  Ha! Sorry, it really has been removed. If it hadn't been, this would be post number 301, and space-time would collapse in on itself like a neutron star. 
• Author's Favorite Post: This one was hard, and if you ask me to choose again next week, I could easily come up with several other selections. But tonight, this award goes to Heads, We're Dancing. It's just a wee bit of flash-fiction-y romance with a title stolen from Kate Bush, but it begat my favorite and most potential-ish novel. So, yeah. 

Lasers. Why'd it have to be... lasers? - Photo by Joe

So, there are 300 of these things, now. How 'bout that? Not sure I have another 300 in me, but who knows? There are at least that many names left on John Hodgman's list of hoboes. And I still have muse-like influencers - like three of 'em! So stay tuned. Maybe we can celebrate some more hundreds together...

Thank you for taking the time to read my mind, such as it is!

Wicked Paul Fourteen-Toes

You can count on one hand the number of hoboes who slept in trees, and of those, only one slept upside-down, hanging by his feet.  And he was not very nice at all, so you wouldn't want to meet him.

But you're about to.  Briefly, so that no one gets hurt.

Wicked Paul Fourteen-Toes was very wicked.  He found delight in the infliction of pain, embarrassment and discomfort on his fellow hoboes.  He peed in their canteens and flasks.  He surreptitiously heated their spoons in the campfire.  He filled their bean cans with dirt - or worse - and resealed them (don't ask me how).  He would burn a hobo's only photo of a loved one or dog - or accidentally drop them in creosote or a cesspool.  He frequently tied his victims' shoelaces together.  He once put a weasel and an eastern diamondback rattlesnake into a sleeping bag occupied by Finnish Jim, zipped it all the way shut and proceeded to kick it.  He rubbed his gamey arm wound on people every chance he got.  He often would convince an unsuspecting hobo that a pretty girl liked him and wanted to meet him, then watch secretly as the hapless man would make a complete fool of himself, getting shot down, laughed at or slapped in the face in front of everyone.  He cut the fingertips off of fellow hoboes' gloves, and the toes from their socks. He would also put powerful laxatives in the food bowls of police dogs.  He drew the line at bringing physical harm to animals, but he delighted in being chased from a train yard by dogs who were busy laying down a putrid, slippery obstacle for the cops bringing up the rear, as it were.

These are just some of the more harmless things he would do.  He also committed more than his share of actual crimes, and it is said - although never proven - that he caused a passenger train derailment near Richmond, Virginia for the purpose of stealing suitcases and "grabbing victims' bosoms" in the chaos that ensued.  Sixteen people died in that wreck, and scores of others were injured.

His fourteen toes were not by themselves particularly noteworthy, except for the fact that eleven of them were on one foot.  And yes, with that one freakishly-grippy foot, he would grasp a tree branch and hang upside-down from it, and snore loudly and drool deliberately his bacteria-laden spittle upon unsuspecting passersby.

There.  It wasn't all romance, choo-choos and sticks-and-bindles in hobo world, was it?  Next time, we'll talk about a friendly hobo who did nice things and was liked.