Resolutely Resolving To Do This And That

Feeling oh so cavalier, and it shows!

As evidenced by the fact that it's February 6th (happy Waitangi Day, New Zealand) and I haven't publicly shared a single New Year's resolution, I am feeling a bit cavalier about it, this time. Why? Dunno, exactly. I think it's partly because I've been struggling with a bout of the galloping lazies, lately. I like that phrasing, because galloping is inherently not lazy, and I'm nothing if not silly. Also - and this may come as a surprise to you (it sure shocked me to no end) - some people don't enjoy hearing about other people's New Year's resolutions. Apparently, it can induce the same bored response one experiences when someone tries to tell you about this dream they had. Hence, my tendency to either RESOLVE NOTHING, or to give you UNABASHEDLY GOOFY NONSENSE.

So. What will it be, this year? Let's keep typing and see...

• Here's a normal-sounding one that to me is utterly hilarious, to get the ball rolling: I WILL WRITE 52 BLOG POSTS IN 2022. Hahahahaha! This is number two, and we're over five weeks in. Never say never, I suppose.
• I resolve to finally do something about getting my 2013 novel to see the light of day. I know some of you would really like it. Yes, this is a recurring resolution, and that makes me sad. I said last year I'd find an editor and/or agent and give it a shot, blah blah blah. At this point, I'll settle for a beta reader or two...
• I will beat my all-time high score on "Yar's Revenge." Pretty sure I have that written down somewhere.
• I will finish writing back stories for all 700 of John Hodgman's HOBOES (800, if you have the paperback edition). HAHAHAHAHAHA that's just ridiculous!
  
• I will get to my target weight. This one feels like a bit of a cheat, because I am a mere four pounds away - but I have been about four pounds away for well over a year. 
• As the world at large and America in particular has clearly demonstrated its intention to continue burning, I will toast marshmallows. I haven't looked for them at my busted-ass grocery store, though. They probably haven't had them in months.
• Two words: Holophonor lessons. Only a couple of people in the whole universe know how to play it - and they're not very good!
  



Play it, Fry!


• I resolve that in 2022, I will find out if my friend Godfrey Ozzenbarq III (not his real name) is still alive. I haven't heard from him in months, and I'm starting to fear the worst.
• I'm gonna use my 20% off Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon - hopefully on an item from Beyond. Do they have lava lamps. I'll have to check...
• They don't. Well, they have one kind of knock-off-looking one. That's okay - I'll find something. Maybe a doormat that says "GO AWAY!" I wonder if they have those. Hang on...
  
• They do! Several different designs, actually. Woo-hoo! Count it!
• I resolve to go figure.
• I resolutely resolve to NOT find out what the hell "Wordle" is. 

Seriously WTF is that? It's nonsense!

• I WILL FIND MY EBN-OZN T-SHIRT. This year, for sure... 

 

There. That all sounds pretty doable, right? What are some of your resolutions for 2022? No, no - don't actually *tell* me. Just, like, think about 'em, or something. And join me next time, when we might actually get back into to hobo weirdness. 

2021 "Resolutions" - A Self-assessment

Not "weird," exactly. Photo by Joe

  

Before I get into my month-late Doomed New Year's Resolutions for 2022, I thought it might behoove me (yeah - I said behoove, so what) to take a look at last year's (such as they were), and see how I did. As you'll recall, I had a comprehensive list - and I even used bullet points. I know - fancy! 

I began by lamenting the Cat-5 dumpster fire that engulfed us in January 2021, and by declaring that my intention was to find the horizon and remind myself that all storms end. Eventually. Result: FAIL. Not my fault! I actually do see the horizon - quite often in fact, but the storm continues to rage, and it is sentient and malicious and promises to get worse or die trying. I'll keep working on this one in 2022, because what choice have I got?

Next, I promised to be twisted, and resolved to get the real camera(s) out and take some weird pictures. Result: FAIL. Oh, I took a few odd pictures...

Halloween Ice In Gatorade - Photo by Joe

[Maris]'s Gnomes Watching Miss Triple X-Mas - Photo by Joe

...Still watching. Photo still by Joe

Still a FAIL, though, for these were shot with my trusty iPhone, which is no slouch - but not exactly my Nikon - and two of 'em are from the very same minute! Wanna know how much action my Nikon saw in 2021? It shot eleven frames in total. Here's the best and weirdest one...

Yep. It's a bunny. Photo by Joe and his poor neglected D-80

See? Fail. Moving on...

• If the country continues to burn, I'm gonna toast some marshmallows. Result: FAIL. Not a single marshmallow was toasted. This year, for sure...
  
• I will become a better pickpocket, and not get caught all the time. Result: Qualified success. I didn't get caught once. See, you never fail if you don't try!
  
• I guess I'll try (harder) to avoid the plague like the plague. Result: SUCCESS! I totally didn't get the plague in 2021. Not even a little bit. As far as I know.
  
• Once the smoke clears - and yes, there will be smoke - I'm going to go downtown and take a good, long sniff, just to prove to myself that even the foulest four-year stenches can dissipate. Result: Qualified success. I was at Nats Park - not downtown. Smelled wonderful, though!
  
• I will finally find an editor or agent or something, and try to get my 2013 novel published. You guys know anyone? Result: FAIL. What is wrong with me???
  
• I'm going to go through the building where I work, and take down all the calendars. They're all stuck on March 2020, and they make me sad sometimes. Result (you would not believe the trouble I'm having typing "Result," today!): FAIL. That would've been too much work. I just took down the ones in my department.
  
• I will see the stars for what they are, and feel the cumulative age of their light. Result: SUCCESS! Kind of a cheat, though, because I'm already really good at this.
  
• Two words: ferrett-juggling. I guess that's one hyphenated word. Whatever. Gonna need one more ferret for this. Result: see below...
  
• I resolve to get one more endangered black-footed ferret, for the ferret-juggling, if [Maris] says yes. Result: see below...
• [Maris] said no. It'll have to be 2 ferrets and a panda. Result: FAIL. (sigh...)
• I'm going to get my grilled cedar-plank salmon to turn out as perfectly as my late father-in-law's always did. Result (copying/pasting "Result," now!): FAIL. I actually did attempt this one, and it wasn't bad - just a far cry from his.
• Gonna find my Ebn-Ozn t-shirt. Result: OH FFS I FORGOT TO LOOK FOR MY EBN-OZN T-SHIRT! A goal for 2022...
• Mirrored contacts. I've wanted them since I was fourteen. Result: FAIL. Who am I kidding?
  
• I resolve to take the Christmas tree down. Result: Success! Too easy.
  
• I will learn to like snow. HAHAHAHAHA just seeing if you're paying attention. Result: HAHAHAHAHA.
• Drink more water. I'm not going to do this. I'm telling YOU to drink more water. Please. Result: HA!
• Okay, I'll drink more water, too. There's water in gin, right? Result: If there is a trace of water in martinis, this was a resounding success.
• I will laugh at the typo on my 10 years of service certificate at work, every day - instead of rolling my eyes at it. Result: Qualified success. I don't look at it every day.
• I will demand a better future. Result: Technically I did this, and continue to do it, all the time. I even try on occasion to help make a better future - but have you any idea how HARD that is? It's like work.
• I will stop making lists. Result: FAIL.
• I will stop making lists. Result: FAIL.
• I will stop repeating myself. Result: FAIL.
• See what I did there? Ha!
  
• And I will hold [Maris]'s hand more - especially when she's trying to type. [blogger's note: on my phone, I have a shortcut set up so that when I type two m's, I get the full [Maris]. I keep trying that on this laptop, and obviously it doesn't work, and it wasn't until about the third try that I realized why.] Result: Success, I think. We're pretty committed to frequent hand-holding. Shut up - it's cute.
• I resolve to be a little smarter, maybe. Result: FAIL. Not my fault, though! You can't become smarter. More knowledgeable/less ignorant - sure. But not smarter.

There. Still here? Wow - you really are good sports - both of you! I promise to make my 2022 resolutions list shorter, and to use copy/paste more.

See you soon!

 

The Rise Of That Thankfulness Thing - 2021 (Part 3 of 3)

Oops! I was supposed to post all 30 of my things for which I'm THANKFUL during November. My bad. First, to review, here are parts ONE and TWO. I'll wait...

Up to speed? Of course you are. Now - where were we? Ten more things. First, let me just say this gets more and more difficult each time I do it - not because I can't think of things for which I'm grateful, but because I've already used most of them in previous years, and I hate repeating myself. Don't want to bore either of my readers, you know.

So...

Endangered black-footed shenanigansferrets!

21. Shenanigans! Whatever the form (I prefer the antics of the endangered black-footed ferrets), I think we could all use a bit more shenanigans.

 

Nope.

Oh HELL no.

 

22. Snow. HAHAHAHA no. No, no, no. [941-word string of spectacularly crude and inventive expletives deleted] no. 

 

23. "Born To Run." It is the perfect rock song. It's perfect. I had all kinds of thoughtful, thorough analysis of this Springsteen classic to share, here, but what's the point? It is simply the perfect musical expression of teen angst (Rock & Roll). 'Nuff said.

 

I have a present!

Don't look at these candles in daylight. You WILL want to return them.

24. Flameless candles. Yeah, you'll run through a LOT of batteries, but you won't burn your house down, and they last for years and years and whatnot. I'm thankful for 'em, pretty much year-round.

25. Siberian cats. [Maris]'s Instagram feed suggested them once and now we follow SO MANY Siberian cats. As a lifelong cat guy, I'm on board with this - especially because we're only looking at pictures of them, don't have to actually deal with *all that*.

26. SPRINKLES!!!!

27. Being alive in interesting times. What other generation can say they were around for The End? It's an absolute dumpster fire shitstorm, and I guarantee it will get worse before it gets worse, but you gotta admit - it's fascinating to watch. Enjoy your minority rule, oligarchy and demise, America. 

28. Mike Krzyzewski. HAHAHAHAHA no. That dude is the devil. No. He's the devil's excised cancerous colon polyp. I can't believe I'm wasting these precious seconds typing words about him.

Yikes. Things took a bit of a turn, didn't they? I told you I was running out of things for which I haven't already expressed my heartfelt thanks. Okay, let's finish up all like positive...

Don't let go...

29. Hopeless romantics. Not necessarily ROMANCE romantics... okay, mostly that. More, though... People who, in spite of all they've learned and seen and lived, still have the capacity to believe in magic.

30. You probably thought I was going to say "legs" again, didn't you? I know I always include legs, but it's 2021 - almost 2022 (which is to say, almost 1890, 1951 etc.). So, yeah. Legs. But also... 

[MARIS]!!!

Whether it's 20-something years ago...

...or 2020HOLYSHITWEHATESELFIES

I thank my lucky stars for her, every day. 

So, you made it and you are a trooper and a good sport. Join us next November, when we'll be probably just sort through all my old thankfulness posts and rehash the funny bits!