Sunday, November 4, 2012

In Defense Of Mr. Wilson Fancypants


Now, I'm not going to argue for one second that he didn't do it.  He definitely did it.  He very nearly beat those two fellow bums - Poo-Knickers Elias and Huge Crybaby McWeepy - to death.  They suffered multiple broken bones, cuts, bruises, bloodied noses - and each ended up with a severe concussion.  I don't think anyone is disputing the facts of the assault.   

What I - and many, many others like me - want considered is why he did it.  He's never, ever lifted a finger against another person until now.  It is said that the man hasn't even stolen before.  I mean, what hobo has never stolen anything in his miserable, poverty-riddled life?  Those two took everything from Mr. Wilson Fancypants.  His attack on them wasn't even about revenge; it was a heartbroken reflex - a crime of passion.

He built those fancy pants with his own hands, and they were the most useful in all of hobo nation - and McWeepy and Elias destroyed them.  They didn't steal them, which many had tried to do before.  They destroyed them.  They ripped off the bean cans.  They mangled the can opener and the corkscrew.  The cuffs, ingeniously-fashioned from old cans of creamed corn, were hopelessly bent and pried loose.  The shaving mirror was cracked, and its four-foot extendable accordion arm was in no fewer than twenty pieces.

The yarn was all gone.  The wireless was broken - tuning dial, speaker, power cord and all.  The trumpet was all bent, the telescope's optics were melted and the zipper was stuck.  Gone were the sequins, rubbed off was all the glitter, clear down to the burlap.  The books and the hat rack and the iron skillet - broken, broken and gone.  The Herbert Hoover campaign buttons had been painted over with Mickey Mouse ears.  The snorkel was clogged with glue.  The Polio-correcting leg extender and the bicycle had been rendered useless.

All of the things that had made his pants fancy were ruined or gone.  Even the telegraph terminal and the back pockets were no more.  All Mr. Wilson Fancypants had ever done in his bleak, miserable, hopeless life was to take a pathetic pair of burlap trousers and turn them into something fancy, something incredible.

So yes - I think his attack on those heartless bullies was more than justified.  I think he should be set free, to start over with a new pair of pants and a dream of utilitarian greatness.  It's the humane thing to do.


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