One day in July 2012, [Maris] and I enjoyed a rare slow workday at our respective places of indentured servitude. That we were both so caught-up on the same day was especially unusual. When this happens, she often shares bits of internet ridiculousness (generally etiquette- or advice-site-related) with me as we email, I.M. or text back and forth.
[Maris] - Good morning. meh.
Me - Hi! meh. How goes it?
[M] - Wow. That's a huge disclaimer in my emails.
It goes eh. I try to maintain a positive attitude today, even though there are specific people who, when I IM them a question, instantly go offline.
Me - How rude! I guess there really is no avoiding people like that, what with so many people being like that, nowadays. *sigh*
I like you, though. And I'm glad you like your men plump, because guess what!
[M] - I really don't, but are you pleasantly plump?
And I feel like sending a mass email like, "WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID???" but then they would all go "Oh no, it's not you - it's us," but they would be totally lying. I won't, though.
Me - I'm sad that we are not the popular kids. And no, I wouldn't say that I'm pleasantly anything, but I shall try to hide in my work confinement crate and at least keep my unpleasantness to a minimum - and to myself.
[M] - If only I could think of something positive to say.
Me - Hmm... The sun is shining and we have jobs. There. Also, I am hungry but as yet have eaten nothing.
[M] - You sound very positive. You must have a plant near you!
I am not hungry, but feel like eating voraciously. I hear it tastes like chicken.
Me - Alas, I have no plant in my immediate vicinity. That would be uncomfortable, I bet.
I could go for some voraciously nachos.
[M] - Voracious knids!
"A few years back, one of my very best mates got married to a swell chap. Needless to say, the ceremony was beautiful."
Me - Needless to say.
Let's use that all day, every day. Needless to say, it will be fun.
[M] - Needless to say it will be great fun and it will catch on and everyone else will do it too!
Needless to say, I am not quite sure what the following sentence means:
"My poor deceased mother is roiling."
Needless to say, lol.
Me - Needless to say, mother was a pot of spaghetti sauce before she died.
[M] - Needless to say. Or a storm cloud.
Me - Needless to say, I'm listening to Ultravox.
[M] - Needless to say, you are funny. New Ultravox?
Okay, i KID YOU NOT:
"To my surprise, 2 weeks later I received an email from Jen -- a 'Save the Date; Invitation to Follow' e-card for May 14th, 2008. Needless to say, I was surprised."
Me - Sweet Zombie Jesus! Needless to say, I weep.
[M] - I feel like sending Flying Spaghetti Monster decals to all these people.
Needless to say, I think I might grow weary of typing needless to say in every sentence.
Me - FSM decals to all the needless to say people? Are they all from Kansas? NTS - LOL!
I'm so tired of typing NTS, I've gone acronym! DFH!
[M] - LOL! NTS!
Should I feel insulted by this sentiment? "...the kind of people that don't like kids and have really bad taste, but are inflexible. You know the type?"
Me - Yes, that is an insult, but if they believe that not having kids and having bad taste go together as a "type," then nothing they say is going to carry much weight. "You know the type - people who have kids and are tall..."
[M] - Exactly.
Here - two different posts:
"When my mother opened the invitation, she called me on the phone and said 'You have to see this for yourself.' Needless to say, I drove over immediately."
"Her gift to us was a card with $20 and an invitation to her wedding stuck in the card. Needless to say, we didn't attend her wedding and gave her back the $20."
Me - Oh, and the "BUT are inflexible" part boggles, too. Are the kid-hating, bad-taste people normally very flexible?
And that $20 refund one - that's so NOT needless to say. That's needed to say! Say WHY! WHY??? My day shall be ruined ("RU-eend"), thinking about that one. Needless to say, if it weren't for my horse...**
[M] - Yes, needless to say, I don't think that I would be friends with the non-kid-hating flexible person with good taste. Do all people with children have good taste? Maybe they taste good with ketchup.
Me - Word.
I think I feel a Needless To Say post coming on. Actually, that would a good name for an entire blog.
[M] - Can you make my [shadow] FB status "Needless to say, this is my status!" - [Maris]?
Needless to say, my stomach is growling.
Me - Done! And to your stomach, I say DFH - NTS.
** Refering to a Lewis Black bit wherein he overhears a young lady say "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."