Finally! I have my very own stalker! I know! I'm excited about it. Her name is Brook, although her email address says Brookstone. For the past two years, she's been emailing me every day. Starting in early November, that became twice a day. Since a couple of days before Thanksgiving, I've been hearing from her four times a day.
I can tell from her emailing pattern that she might have a touch of the old OCD. The emails come at 3:14am, 11:14am, 2:07pm and 4:07pm - the same times every day. Actually, on Saturday the 2:07 email didn't show up until 2:09. I have to admit - I was a little worried. I've never had a stalker, before. You're supposed to get all attached to them, and worry when they're late for their stalking appointments, right?
Anyway, her brand of stalking has remained mostly harmless (haha!) so far, although some of her emails have no shortage of urgency.
She wanted to make sure I was aware of something called "Early-bird Specials," which apparently come in limited quantities. Then, she reminded me twice that time was running out on the specials. I thought that was nice of her. I got a $200 air purifier for $100!
Then came something called "Black Friday." She didn't want me to miss out on the unprecedented savings on all Beats by Dr. Dre headphones and Shiatsu Bed Loungers. Later that afternoon, she unleashed her inner temptress, promising that she'd pay me to shop, and swore she wasn't joking. There was a catch, of course, and that sort of hurt. Things continued downhill for a while, because her next message was some ominous warning about how the clock was ticking and time was running out for me.
But then, shockingly not even on "Black Friday," she offered me the lowest prices of the season on massage chairs. I got four of them. Are stalkers supposed to give ultimatums and set deadlines? I don't know - I'm new to all this. Her next email threatened me with missing out on the $20 gift card for each $100 in purchases if I failed to respond within two days.
She's an enigma, though. I'm not sure what to make of "Why stop at decorating your tree?" My tree? I don't get it. Is that some sort of double-entendré? Her threats weren't empty, either. I was, in fact, too late for the 30%-off Razor Scooter that draws chalk lines as it scoots. Bummer.
Eventually, we got down to last chances and "final minutes," and then she was gone. I haven't heard from her since this morning. I wonder if she's moved on. Strangely, I think I would miss her. She does have a certain charm. Oh well, I'm richer for the experience, I suppose. Maybe her internet is down.
Wait - what's this about "Cyber Monday," Brook?